Need to vent

I HATE losing weight. I am so nervous right now, so much so that I can hardly stand it. I've honestly been doing the best that I can to see results and get this weight off before October comes around, and I honestly have seen little to no progress since Monday when I got on the scale. I've gone from 209.66lbs to 209.44lbs since then-- certainly not making my dress fit any better.

I COULD SO KICK MYSELF FOR BUYING THIS $#@)(%TQ{$PT@_@#$@_$ DRESS TOO SMALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THHHHHHIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I am so scared that my fitting is going to come around and Paqui is going to have to take the dress out. I am so scared about that because that't the last thing in the world that I want to happen. All it would point to is failure. Failure and stupidity of course on my part. This whole thing has been just looming over me all summer long, and I don't see it moving anywhere fast, regardless of what I do. I just wish there was some kind of a shot I could take to just remove all of this excess weight that I'm carrying around.

I feel so self-conscious about myself. I am such a huge pig. Everyone is buzzing about how I'm going to look on my wedding day, and I would never forgive myself if I just allowed the day to come and go looking the same way that I do. This is yet another miracle needed on my list. If God saw that the children of Israel's clothing accomodated them during the forty years they spent walking in the desert then I know that he is able to have this dress fit me like a princess on my wedding day. It can't be any other way, and I refuse to let someone else hack away at my dress for my own laziness and stupidity.

Let this entry serve as a reminder for the days and moments when I'm feeling too tired to work out or too willing to give into a temptation. It's not just about looks either-- my cholesterol is up to, no te lo pierdas, 302 POINTS. So much for the damn Mediterranean diet that's just so squeaky clean and healthy. Bullshit. No more meat for me, that's for sure. I can't believe that I've let my health reach such a low point.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, this shit is going to change, and FOR GOOD. I don't care how many times I have to say no to a plate of food, I don't care who gets offended. I'm 27 years old for goodness sake, and I need to take charge of my health. No one else is going to do it for me.