Fearfully and wonderfully made

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139: 14-16

On this last day of March, and in honor of my new goal list that I set out for April, I wanted to share another one of my favorite scriptures. Starting next month I am focusing on several non-scale goals that I've set out for myself. Among those, I want to re-wire the negative thinking that I tend to fall into at times concering my body image by focusing on what God has to say about me in His word.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am not my size 18-20 pants. The numbers on the scale do not define who I am nor do they categorize my self-worth. God created me in His image, and He loves me for who I am. I love God and I love His creation. Since He made me, I love me too. It's time for me to stop basing my self-image on what others say about me.

Considering my childhood and the constant struggles I've had with my weight, this lesson has been a hard one to grasp. It sounds like a beautiful idea, but in my case it's been difficult to put into practice. But I'm getting there.

My husband is such a great example for me in this regard. No, he doesn't run around proclaiming his love for himself. He's not vain, arrogant or conceited by any means. He is just comfortable in his own skin and doesn't let what others say about him affect his self-image. This weekend was a prime example of that.

Chechu's mom has been on him for a while now about losing weight. While both of us have put on some extra pounds since the wedding, he's the one constantly reminded about his weight gain. Like most men, when Chechu puts weight on it goes directly to his tummy. He makes jokes about it all the time, and I know it's not a façade to cover up the true insecurities he has about his weight. The man just doesn't have any.

Yesterday the three of us drove up to Granada for evening service. As we were walking toward the hotel, Charo began to remind Chechu about his belly and how much he needs to lose it:

Charo: Your stomach looks horrible. You look like a 40-yr-old instead of a 29-yr-old. You have to lose weight.

Chechu: Are you kidding?? With all the money I've invested in my belly to get it like this? (Proceeds to show off his side profile)

All laugh and immediately change subject.

I love Charo to death. She is such an amazing person, and so obviously a mom who cares about her son's well being like any mother does. However, her words can be somewhat harsh for my liking when it comes to Chechu. He insists that she sometimes exaggerates with her comments because she knows that since it's all going to go in one ear and out the other anyway, maybe something might stick. But no. Chechu genuinely laughs it off, showing her and everyone else that he's not going to change anything about himself until he makes that decision for himself. He gets the whole fearfully and wonderfully made concept and lives it.

Marianna, however, has struggled with that her entire life. As a child and adolescent, even the slightest comment about my weight would throw my world in an uproar, crushing every ounce of self-esteem I had. The vast majority of those comments came from the bullies at school. The remainder came from concerned family members who (usually) reinforced their words with love. I, however, didn't know to make the distinction between positive reinforcement and just plain cruelty. It was all the same to me, and it all lead me to my conclusion that being overweight was equivalent to having 0 worth.

Now that I think about it, every time- EVERY time I've ever lost weight in the past, it was always done in an attempt to please others. So that Fulanita will be my friend. So that Fulanito will think I'm pretty. So that I won't be charged double for public transportation. (Part of my whirlwind experience living abroad in the DR, which deserves an entire blog for itself). Even when I did lose the weight then, I was never content with the results, and I never managed to see myself any differently.

A few more ups and downs on the yo-yo cylce and several years later, I'm finally starting to get it. This time around, I'm not doing this for anyone else. Not for friends, not to keep up appearances. This is all about ME, and I'm going to bask in my success. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and yes, I AM worth it all.

"Be strong and courageous..."

In all honesty it's been a rough couple of weeks. In particular, over the past few days my raging hormones have made me quite emotional and hyper-sensitive. I'm already overly-sensitive as it is, and with my period my defensive radar goes a little haywire.

I've been through a lot of drastic changes this year. For the first time in my life I'm living on my own, away from Mom, Sis and everything else familiar. I've recently taken on my newest role as "wife," which is a huge learning process in itself. As I'm adjusting to life in another country, I'm learning to embrace my individuality and to appreciate the life lessons that come out of each difficult moment. Overcoming those hard days makes me stronger as a person, and they cause me to stand even more steadfast in my faith. I've grown so much spiritually and personally during this past year. In spite of the tears and the down days, which in the grand scheme of things are only momentary, I am so thrilled to be where I am. I'm so excited about all that God is doing in my life and where He's leading me.

One of my favorite Biblical passages that I've come across is the first chapter of Joshua. God calls Joshua to the forefront, out from behind Moses' shadow and into the spotlight. He reaffirms to Joshua the same promises that He gave to Moses- that He would be right there with him, through the challenges, the difficult moments and the hard decisions. However, he also required something of Joshua- that he be strong and courageous. Obviously that spoke to the fact that hard times would surely come up. But God gave Joshua a glimpse of the victory road ahead, telling him that by standing strong and holding fast to His promises, he and his people would come out on the winning side.

This passage has spoken volumes to me since I began to study it several months ago. I relate so much to Joshua in the sense that I too have been called out of my comfort zone, having to embrace a brand new reality and take on new challenges. I also know that like Joshua, I have the victory already won by standing tall in my faith, holding fast to all of the promises that God has given me and being strong and courageous every step of the way.

HYC Update: 223 lbs (-0)

As I mentioned in my previous post, this past week hasn't been my best, although certainly far from being the worst. With the Easter holiday, out-of-town traveling and an annoying case of back pain all wrapped up in seven days, it definitely wasn't a recipe for total success. And that was something I had already seen coming anyway. I cancelled my weigh-in yesterday morning because I just wasn't prepared to face the scale. This morning however, I had to know. I was somewhat surprised to see the same number as last week, 223.0, although I certainly wish it could have been lower.

It's been about a month or so since I started focusing on losing weight again after the wedding. I feel like I need to have a heart-to-heart with myself, to recap where I was, where I am and to remind myself of where I want to be and why I'm doing this in the first place.

Part One: The re-cap

Finishing grad school and planning a wedding simultaneously was a pretty tall order for me last year, in addition to facing all of the other changes that were about to take place in my life. I started grad school at about 215, ballooned up to 240 and then dieted and exercised my way back down to about 225. In March of last year, two months shy of graduation, I bought my wedding gown after several trips to the dress shop and trying on about a dozen differnt gowns. The day I bought the dress I got so motivated seeing my reflection in the mirror. It was a perfect fit, and the accessories that I was going to buy along with it went perfectly together. Not being satisfied with that, I decided to give myself an extra motivational push to lose weight by buying the dress in a 16 instead of the 16W I had tried on.

To make a long story short, I put myself through nothing short of hell that summer trying to get into my wedding gown. Since I had to bring the dress to Spain with me when I moved here, I no longer had access to the bridal shop's seamstress should I have needed to get any alterations done. (Nope, didn't think about that when I bought it.) Thankfully my MIL's best friend is a seamstress and has worked at a bridal shop for many years. As soon as I got here she offered to help me with the gown if I needed to have it taken in or out. For the longest time it looked as if the latter was going to be my reality. Finally, TWO WEEKS before my wedding, I tried the gown on again, and it zipped up perfectly. I still remember hearing the smooth, flawless ziiiiiiip. I cried that day.

On my wedding day I weighed 200 lbs. Since then I have managed to gain back all the hard work I put in over the summer months. That's frustrating..

Part 2: Coming to recognize need to lose
After knowingly gaining some "happy weight," getting through wedding celebration #2 and Christmas break at home, I came back to Almería feeling the need to get my act together weight-wise, for my health's sake. My family suffers from a plethora of weight-related health conditions, and I do not want to continue down that road. I choose my health and well-being over sweet, greasy indulgences that will only lead to illnesses and heart conditions. I want to be here to enjoy and cherish everything that God has given me and all that is to come in my future.

My health is seriously my main motivation to get this weight off. At one point I just wanted to look better in cute clothes and swim suits for summer. But, that isn't my sole motivator anymore. In fact, looking good is just another byproduct of being healthy. I'm not aiming for the byproducts anymore because I know they'll come as a result of me focusing on my health.

With that said, I plan to update my goals and plans with this whole thing. As I said in an earlier post, I need to make goals based on things I can control.

So here's to a new week of new beginnings and a new focus.

Back to work

I find it so difficult to get back into my normal routine after a long break. Getting out of bed this morning was a struggle but thankfully I was able to resist the urge to sleep in until the last possible minute, which allowed me to get a few things done around the house before heading out to work.

The past four days have been pretty intense and jam-packed (hence my lack of posting). Not too much of a restful vacation but a needed break from the office nonetheless. As of lately I haven't been too motivated to take pictures, and unfortunately this weekend was no exception. :P Anway, here's what I was up to:

Thursday: Chechu and I left out that morning to drive down to Almuñécar, a beach town located along the coast of the province of Granada. The drive down was quite pleasant, although halfway there it started pouring down raining, bringing traffic to a screeching hault. Aah!! We did stop in Torre Nueva for churros, but only bought a small order to go with our coffee (no chocolate this time around). We finally got to Almuñécar around noon to visit with Mª Angeles and Curro. We had lunch with them and then later that afternoon we went to another couple's house for coffee and pastries. After much prodding I did have a small slice of some kind of chocolate croissant that was absolutely amazing. Well worth the indulgence I have to say! After watching a little bit of The Color Purple we headed back to Almería since we both had group meetings at the church that we had to attend. We finally got home after 11pm and crashed.

Friday: We left out before 9am to pick up some of the girls from the church who asked if they could drive up to Granada with us. We ended up leaving Almería almost an hour late due to a few unforeseen circumstances but not to worry- since nothing ever starts on time here in Spain, the fact that we got to the church nearly a half hour late went completely unnoticed. Finally around noon we all began to organize ourselves in groups for the evangelism activities that afternoon. All the groups were assigned to different sections of the city to pass out leaflets and invite people to attend Easter Sunday service. I actually had a really good time walking around and talking with different people. Usually I get extremely nervous when approaching people spontaneously, but this time around I was able to come out of my shell and initiate very pleasant conversations with several people.
We reconvened at the church at 3pm for lunch, and afterward Chechu and I had to head back to Almería since he had to lead the teen Bible study which started at 7:30. Since we didn't have time to stop back at the house we immediately went to the church. While Chechu was leading the Bible study I went with Alejandra to Burger King of all places to have a diet soda with her before she began her shift there. She convinced me to nibble on some fries with her (BK has the best fries ever!) and before I left to head back to the church to meet Chechu she hooked us up with two #1 value meals.
However, what was initially going to be an evening at home with BK and movies ended all-together differently, as we both got home and went straight to bed.

Saturday: BK for breakfast! That held us over until 4pm that afternoon when we finally sat down to lunch after running some errands. I made pork chops at Chechu's request along with baked potatoes and salad. I had two small pork chops, one small baked potato and a pretty decent-sized serving of salad. I also cut up some strawberries and bananas for dessert.
After lunch Chechu went to the church since he had to lead worship for that evening's service while I stayed at home to clean and catch up on some laundry.
That night we were supposed to attend a birthday party for a friend of ours, but she ended up postponing it due to the fact that she wasn't feeling well. In light of that, we decided to go out anyway and have a date night of our own. The original idea was to go to the movies to see Horton Hears a Who, which looks adorable. We planned to catch the 11:45pm show, giving us time to have dinner first. We went to MacPapa's, splitting a chicken campero (huge sandwich) and a hot dog. Not the best choices, I know.. After dinner however we ended up coming back home instead of going to the movies. It was really late and we were both still pretty tired from the previous days' activities.

Sunday: Stayed home all morning to finally relax a bit. I finished some laundry and permed my hair while Chechu did his lesson planning for the week. At around 3pm we met up with Charo, Javi and Mariel to have lunch at this Chinese restaurant before heading out to Granada for church. At the restaurant I had a spring roll, fried rice and chicken with almonds. Flan for dessert.
After lunch, Chechu, Charo and I drove up to Granada for Sunday evening service. It was very nice, and there were several new people who came, presumably from the evangelism activies on Friday. I did miss celebrating Easter at home though, because here it really isn't the same. We ended up leaving Granada after 10pm, and on the way back we stopped for tapas. By that time I had a pretty bad headache, so I didn't eat very much. We finally got back home at around 12:30am.

I feel exhausted just having written about all of that!

I'm hoping that today will end up being low-key. I decided to cancel my weigh-in this morning since a) I have my period and b) I really didn't want to know. This past week, while my portions were okay, I really over-indulged in sweets and red meat. As I'm prone to high cholesterol, neither of those are good options. Now that things have returned back to normal I've jumped back on the weight-loss wagon again. This week I plan to keep my meat intake to a minimum, having only tuna or skinless chicken if I do decide to eat meat, and filling up on vegetables, salads and fruits. The back pain that I complained about last week has finally dissipated thank God, so I'll be getting back into my exercise routine as well.

Today's WI: 223.0 (-0.8)

Last night after work I did go home to a hot, soothing cup of tea, with every intention not to eat anything else for the rest of the evening. Nevertheless, Chechu got home late from his leader's bible study and I ended up having a bowl of cornflakes and bananas with him before bed. Not too bad considering that I lost .8 pounds, but it still irks me that I can't seem to stay away from the kitchen at night.

Work is somewhat slow-going today since it's the last day before the long weekend. This afternoon Rocío and I have our GOE and then later tonight I have bible study after work. Tomorrow we'll be heading to Almuñécar for the day to hang out with Curro and Mª Ángeles. Chechu is already talking about stopping for churros con chocolate tomorrow morning for breakfast on our way there. AAHH! I must maintain control, and I'm confident that I will. Last weekend at the retreat I definitely went overboard. I had my indulgences for the month, and I don't intend to repeat the experience.
We may be in Granada on Friday all day as well since our church has planned several evangelistic activities there. It'll certainly be exciting to go and participate, but it very possibly may mean another day of eating out.

I've still got this nagging back pain that doesn't seem to go away. I'm going to see if I can pick up a hot water bottle this afternoon and hopefully that will help.

The results..

Monday's WI: 224.2 (+1.4)

Today's WI: 223.8 (-0.4)

Results: GRRRRRRRRRR

As Monday's weigh in results clearly show, I didn't do as well as I had anticipated over the weekend. Instead of sticking solely to salads and fruit like I had planned, I indulged. At mealtime I managed to fill my plate with meat and potatoes as well, and of course I saved room for dessert after each meal. (Two words- rice pudding...) In spite of the short-comings however, I was able to maintain control: I only ate one plate of food at each meal, usually leaving a few morsels behind, and when I got full I stopped. I also made sure to eat vegetables and salad. All of that stands in stark contrast to my free-for-all, fried-meat-and-carbs-only M.O. for eating at buffets in the past. Therefore, what was a 1.4lb gain could have easily been 5-7 pounds had I reverted back to my old ways. So praise God for small miracles.

Our schedule at the retreat was jam-packed. Between workshops, devotionals and worship services we had almost no down-time. I didn't take a single picture! But I thoroughly enjoyed evey minute and I learned a great deal about myself and my walk with the Lord. It was great spending time with the other hermanas as well, several of whom shared that they're expecting!

I started noticing some back pain yesterday that hasn't gone away. I must've slept in a bad position or did something to strain a muscle back there. It's not an unbearable pain by any means, just dull and constant. Nonetheless I've decided to lay off the intense exercising until it goes away completely- the last thing I need is to do more damage. So this week I'll be focusing more on perfecting my eating habits. Maybe that's what I should have done in the first place.. So here's what I ate today:

Breakfast: Danacol

Bottle of orange juice

Coffee (skim milk, 1tsp. sugar)

Lunch: 1 1/2 c. beef stew (beef cubes, tomato, garlic, onion, zucchini, eggplant,

corn, peas)

1/2 c. white rice

1/2 c. diced strawberries and banana, 1 tbsp sugar

Snack: 1 slice white bread, 2 tbsp. chunky peanut butter

Since it's well after 7pm, my plan after work tonight is to take a hot shower and enjoy a cup of green tea (sounds sooo soothing right now). I'm confident that if I can stick to that plan, I'll be able to chart another loss for tomorrow. My goal of 210 by the end of the month is still in sight.

Thursday and Friday of this week will pose a challenge for me, however. Since it'll be Easter break, Chechu and I will be out of town visiting friends on Thursday, and we'll surely do something else on Friday as well. Knowing that I may be eating out on a few occasions will allow me to get a plan of action together before things have the chance to go awry.

I also joined the Healthy You challenge last week, and I'm excited to see new comments on here! Many thanks to those of you who've offered words of encouragement-- it truly is nice to know that we can support one another as we all work together towards reaching our fitness goals.

It's the weekend!!

Random thoughts at 10:22am on this gorgeous morning:

1. I'm so glad it's Friday. This week has gone by fast, but nonetheless it has been a bit tiresome, both physically and emotionally. On Monday I managed to roll into a funk- just feeling frustrated and irritated about everything- mainly things with work and the lack of results displayed on the scale. As I was coming out of my mood around Wednesday, Riss informed me that she had been diagnosed with tonsilitis. This came almost immediately after a bout with pnuemonia (a mild case, thank God), so that obviously perked up everyone's concern including her doctor, who did a blood test on her to check on her immune system. As of yet the results still haven't come back. While we all know that she's perfectly fine, there's still a twinge of anxiety in waiting for the doctor to confirm that. I spoke with her yesterday and she said she felt a lot better after having taken the antibiotics that the doctor prescribed for her. Surely by tomorrow she'll be feeling back to normal.
2. Marissa's wedding!! It's my twin sister's turn to get married! I can't even believe I'm writing that. Chechu and I got married on October 20th of last year, and then we celebrated another wedding with my family on December 22nd. Marissa's wedding is set for December 20th of this year, just about nine months from now. I'm really excited for her and Carlos and I know that the two of them are going to have a wonderful life together. Now I get to start thinking about my matron-of-honor dress. I definitely want to be at my goal weight of 145-150 by the wedding, and I'm looking forward to trying on dresses over the summer.
3. It's hot outside. Speaking of summer, it's right around the corner! It's really warm this morning, making me think of those wonderfully hot, lazy beach-bum days that I will be spending with my husband in just a few short months! I don't foresee a bikini just yet (although I don't know if I'd ever feel comfortable going to the beach in a bikini), but I will definitely be looking better in the new beachwear that I intend to buy for myself!
4. RETREAT! This evening we will be heading to Almuñécar for the annual women's retreat, and I'm really excited about it. I have a feeling that we'll be receiving A LOT from the Lord there, and I'm anxious to take it all in. Since we'll be staying at a hotel, I've been debating on taking my laptop with me. I guess I'll make up my mind at some point before we leave. I do intend to take lots of pictures!
5. Met my exercise goals for the week!! I worked out consistently Mon-Thurs of this week. This morning I had planned to exercise too, but Chechu needed to take the laptop to school with him. I thought about working out this afternoon after lunch, but I don't think that'd be very realistic, seeing that I still have to pack, straighten my hair, and spend time with Chechu since he'll be staying home for the afternoon. I found my mp3 player this morning (YAY!) so I'll be taking that with me on the retreat. I'm sure the weather will be gorgeous in Almuñécar this weekend, so I'm looking forward to getting out and walking.
6. Pre-weekend weigh-in. I got on the scale this morning and I'm currently at 221.6, which I'm pretty excited about. I'm even more excited about the fact that I feel motivated going into the retreat weekend. I WILL take on the buffet and WIN! This coming Monday is WI for me, and I want to see the numbers continue to go down.
7. Looking forward to next week. Next week is Semana Santa, or Holy Week, as it leads up to Easter Sunday. Easter is probably my favorite holiday, as it celebrates the inconceivably immense love that Jesus has for all of us. He took our place on the cross at Calvary, conquering sin and death and reconciling us back to the Father. Through Christ we have the gift of salvation and eternal life!

I'm not sure if I'll have time (or the resources) to post this weekend. I'll definitely be back on Monday though with all the stuff I learned on the retreat!

It's been another one of those days I guess. Everything started off well this morning though-- I was up at 8:30 doing Turbo Jam, and then finished picking up a few things around the house before leaving for work. I got to the office and as the hours passed I got more and more bored, and then I got even more irritated by my boredom. And that sort of spilled over into an overall "what the hell am I doing here?" attitude which, frankly, I haven't entirely shaken yet today. I feel bad that I let my bad mood somewhat damper my lunch break with Chechu. I'm just tired of being irritated.

My adjustment to life here in Spain has been a longer process than what I originally thought. Living overseas temporarily as a study-abroad student versus building a life and a family in another country couldn't be anymore different. There are days when I just love it here; I feel totally integrated in the culture and way of life, my Spanish is on point, I understand 110% of every conversation and I just feel at home. Then there are other days, like today, where those feelings are the exact opposite and I feel like a fish out of water-- like I don't belong anywhere, least of all here.

I'm really looking forward to this weekend's retreat- more than I ever have since signing up. It'll definitely be the disconnect I need from everything, where I'll be able to focus solely on me and God. I'm excited about everything we're going to receive there, and I'm anxious to come back feeling renewed.

The box has been opened since Saturday and unfortunately I haven't abstained as I had so hoped I would. There's undoubtedly something addictive about these cookies/crakers because it is humanly impossible to eat just one. Put some ice cold milk with that and it's all too easy to down half a pack. The hardest part for me is that I only crave them at night. If I'm going to eat them at all, ideally it should be in the morning. But as of lately that just hasn't been the case.

Yesterday was pretty long, but it ended better than it started. At first I was frustrated with everything and just wanted to go home and curl up in the bed. But progressively things got better. Although I did lay down for a little while after lunch, I didn't fall asleep. Afterward I got up do do some additional house cleaning and then headed back to work. Last night I got home and did Power 90 Cardio, only a 30-minute workout, and I really enjoyed it. It's been ages since I've worked out with that program. Since Chechu needed the laptop for school this morning I wasn't able to exercise before coming in to work. I will do either TJ or P90 this afternoon or tonight (or both). I'm really trying to focus on my WI next Monday, keeping in mind that the goal for the end of the month 210 lbs.

This weekend is going to be very exciting-- our church is going to be holding its annual women's retreat for those of us who are 30+ or married. Since I fall into the latter category, it'll be my first time attending. I feel so grown up! The retreat is going to be held here:

This is the same hotel in Almuñécar where my friends got married last September (theirs was the first of three weddings at our church last year, ours being the last). Usually our church retreats are held at rural campsites, so this is definitely a welcomed change. Having the retreat here of course means buffet libre, and several of the girls are already talking about how much they can't wait to try all the food. I however plan to be the exception to that rule. Since the weather is getting warmer I also want to take advantage of it and walk. I feel confident going into this weekend knowing that I've made it up in my mind that I'm going to maintain control.

Monday

So I've felt kind of irritated this past weekend, due to my seemingly endless weight loss saga, a little homesickness and just an overall sense of blah. I feel totally exhausted this morning. The AM workout was beyond out-of-the-question as I was physically unable to get out of the bed until the last possible minute. Amazingly enough I had time to make the bed, pull out a few things from the freezer for lunch and down a couple gulps of coffee before heading out the door.

I got another irate "you don't call home enough" email from my mom this morning. Not exactly the boost I needed to get me out of my funk. Marissa and mom (totally alike in personalities)constantly butt heads about this and usually in those instances I take on the role of mediator-reconciliator, although in the end I naturally tend to always side with Mom. I totally understand my mom's perspective: my twin sister and I are her only kids. We've always been a closely-knit family. The three of us were born and raised in the same small town in rural PA. We all graduated from the same high school and university-- anyone would have guessed that at this point we'd be living within a 5-10 mile radius of each other. Enter winds of change. Between studying abroad and grad school, Riss and I have been all over the place. I'm now living in Spain, a good 3500mi from home, and Riss has since moved out to L.A., about the same distance away. A lot of parents in my mom's position probably would have gone nuts over the idea of having their kids so far spread out over the world, but my mom has graciously accepted it all and has never stopped being supportive. We speak on the phone once a week and try to email, but as of lately my emails haven't been as frequent. I could take on the attitude of "I have my own life now, I don't have time to email or call all the time," but that would be unfair and selfish on my part. As a parent, whenever that day comes, I think I would expect to hear from my children on a regular basis too.

I haven't exercised all weekend either. On Saturday afternoon before church I started to work out with TJ, but I just wasn't feeling it at all. I did maybe 10 minutes of the workout and quit. I totally need to do something else now, as I'm starting to get bored with the same movements. Weather permitting, I'd really like to get out and walk in the mornings and just save the workout dvds for rainy days or nights. I have to find my mp3 player and put in some new songs.. My goal tonight after work is to do either Slim in 6 or Power 90.

For WI today, I don't have any astounding results to post- I'm still at 222.8 as of this morning. Will the numbers ever go down?

Sigh...

Yesterday was a great day.



I got up around 8:15am, and without even thinking about it I put my workout clothes on and put in my TJ dvd. I was excited to work out, and even more excited about how I was going to feel afterwards. As I expected, my shower was fantastic, leaving me feel even more motivated to start the work day. I had a very productive morning at the office and on my way back home for lunch I convinced myself that regardless of how much I wanted to take a nap I was going to stay up and do some other things around the house. After we ate (roasted chicken, rice and black beans, salad) Chechu went directly to the bedroom to lay down. I mulled it over for a while and decided that I was going to stick to my original plan. I really wanted to sleep, but I didn't. I ended up washing the dishes from lunch and doing some other light cleaning to keep myself awake. After having a small cup of coffee I went back to the office early just to eliminate any temptation to sneak in a quick cat nap.



I got back home from work just after 9pm. And what did I do? I worked out AGAIN. I happily put in my TJ dvd again and sweat my you-know-what off. I was on fire. And it felt great.



This morning, however, I got an unexpected surprise. I wanted to sneak a peak at the scale, just to see if I lost, you know, 10 pounds after my two workouts yesterday. To my dumbfounded surprise, however, I didn't lose a single one. Not ONE. I'm still at 222.8 pounds, and yes, I'm pissed about it. While I understand that weight loss can be sporadic at times, regardless of how much or how minimal of an effort I make to exercise, it still sucks to put in work and not see any results.



This morning after my encounter with the scale I had a small cup of coffee and Danacol for breakfast. Chechu (not Marianna this time) opened the pack of Tosta Rica cookies and I didn't have ONE. I feel pretty good about that because those are definitely a weakness of mine. The hard part of course will be seeing the now-open box and keeping my mits out of it.



Keeping things on the positive, in spite of the let-down this morning, I am happy about a few things:

• I'm going to exercise my butt off (literally) from now on. In the past, disappointments like this would have led me to another binge. Today I choose to channel that energy positively and make decisions that will benefit my health. Let's face it, exercise has never made anyone fat. Donuts and embarrassingly huge spoonfuls of peanut butter however...


• I'm going to make good food choices. This morning's cookie refusal has motivated me even more to do well today. The hard part, as usual, will come around 10pm tonight when I have to decide between the lomo (cured porkloin) and a bowl of sugarless Special K. Or better yet, nothing at all.


• I'm not going to give up. Frankly, I feel hugely obese today. I feel like I can't fit in anywhere and regardless of what I wear or how much I try to cover it up, my ass is just insane. It has to call attention to itself. Nevertheless, I'm not going to allow those feelings to fool me into thinking that a bag of doritos and white chocolate are going to make me feel better or thinner. That would really be insane.

Facing the giants

Last night's dinner was actually a lot of fun. Avelino let Cristina and me leave work around 8 instead of the usual 9pm and both of us were all too eager to get an extra hour out of the office. At that point I wasn't all that excited about going to the dinner. Cristina was already convinced that she wasn't going to go this time around, after having a negative experience with a rude acquaintance of Avelino's who was invited to attend last year's Christmas party. After listening to her tale of woe, I was hardly excited about the possibility of running into this guy, who, from the sound of it, surely would have no problems being rude to a foreigner-- a brown-skinned, overweight americana at that. At least I wouldn't be going alone, I thought to myself, knowing that if I had to jump to my defense in the face of a rude comment I'd have my husband there to back me up. He's the sweetest, most gentle thing on this earth, but his wild streak can definitely come out when provoked.
So I went home, washed up the remaining dishes from lunch and relaxed on the couch for a while with a cup of my favorite Brazilian coconut/vanilla bean flavored tea. (Yeah, that does sound amazing, doesn't it?) After getting dressed, Chechu came by the house to pick me up and we left, gift and all, to go to the restaurant.

When we walked in I was pleasantly surprised to only see familiar faces. Apparently Avelino had rented out the entire restaurant for that evening, and at the center table he was seated with his girlfriend, his son and son's gf and Alfonso and gf. We all sat down to watch the rest of the Real Madrid vs. Rome soccer game (which RM LOST- silent victory dance for moi) and then continued with dinner. I behaved very well. Against my will I ate fish. I hate fish. Well, that's not entirely true- I do enjoy tuna, bacalao (codfish) and perch, but that's definitely the extent of it. I have never been a seafood lover-- that's the only type of food that I'm extemely picky about. Take me to Red Lobster and I'll surely go hungry. My husband however, like any other coastal native, would go nuts. Peeling shrimp and prawn, chopping off heads, sucking the supposedly amazing juice that comes out of I-don't-want-to-know-where and leaving shells complete with little black dots for eyeballs and antenae all over the place. Yeah, my thoughts exactly. So last night I tried to shield my eyes during the shrimp massacre (I was the only one who didn't partake) and focused on my bland fish fillet. Blah. The baked potato and sautéed mushrooms were pretty good though. Oh, and there was a slice of birthday cake involved and just a tad bit of red wine and champagne.

In terms of the ambiance, I was really surprised. I came in ready for battle, and ended up having a great time talking with everyone. It's so funny how much my boss LOVES Chechu. The two of them get together and you'd think he was another one of his sons. Avelino and I have a very positive boss-employee relationship, but nothing like how he and Chechu interact. Obviously they understand and relate to each other better on so many levels, which is obviously a positive thing. The main objective of course is to be witnesses of God’s love and life-transforming power, and I think that in a lot of ways Chechu is an example for Avelino, even in spite of the age difference between them.

We got home last night after 1:30am- way later than either of us initially anticipated. Needless to say, the late night work out was definitely out of the question as both of us nearly fell in the bed. I questioned whether or not I’d be able to get up and exercise this morning but set my alarm early anyway.

As expected, I got up late- at 8:45am with not an ounce of motivation to exercise. I mulled it over lying in bed for a few additional minutes and eventually decided that I wasn’t going to come to work and blog about yet another exercise-less morning. So I got up, put on my exercise clothes and worked out with TJ. My shower afterward, albeit lightning fast since I was running late for work, felt amazing- mostly because of how great I felt having been able to overcome my “don’t feel like exercising” excuses.

That was exactly what I needed to jump-start my day.

This afternoon we had Alejandra over for lunch. I made chicken breasts with alfredo tortellini and spinach. I’m not sure if it was because we had a guest over or not, but Chechu and I both were very good at controlling our portions and eating only one small plate of food. I had about a cup of the tortellini, a half cup of spinach and one breast fillet. I should have reversed the measurements for the tortellini and the spinach, but oh well. I didn’t have any bread (normal for me) and I only drank water. After doing the dishes I had a small glass of iced tea with Alejandra, and for work this afternoon I’ve brought a peach yogurt with me.

Tonight is going to be another long one because after work I have class with Jennifer. Tomorrow is her English exam and we’ve been studying extra hard this week so that she’ll do well.

It’ll definitely be after 11pm when we get back home tonight, and I’m praying that I’ll have enough will power resist the urge to nibble. I’m excited about working out tomorrow morning!

Exercise angels vs. lazy demons

It's so crazy to think about how motivated I was to exercise this time TWO weeks ago. My desire for working out is slowly but surely coming back though which, at the very least, is a start. From the looks of it, however, I won't be getting back into the routine until tomorrow, which I find excitingly irritating. Why? Because two days ago I couldn't have cared less.

In the course of an hour, my schedule today has become completely full, therefore making it essentially impossible to do anything that even resembles exercise today. My original plan was to work out tonight after Bible study, but it turns out that today is my boss's birthday and he's graciously invited all of us, spouses included, to dinner tonight. So that translates to no evening workout. After lunch Chechu and I will be going out to find some kind of birthday gift for Avelino and immediately afterwards I have to meet Alejandra at church from 4-5 for our GOE. So no afternoon session of Turbo Jam either. Damn.

I suppose that I could squeeze in a super late night workout, seeing that it'll probably be midnight before we get back home. But, at the end of a non-stop day that just wouldn't be very realistic. Given the fragile, budding state of my newfound motivation I'd hate to set myself up for failure this quick. I'd rather plan to get up earlier tomorrow morning to exercise- a more practical challenge at this point.

So here are some positives, big and small, that I'm noticing about myself thus far:

1. I didn't take a nap yesterday, and I won't be taking one today either. I see how much more productive I am without the mid-day siesta, and in using that time more efficiently I'm undoubtedly doing myself a favor for weight loss. Since the weather is getting nicer I'd really like to get out and start walking / jogging in the afternoons before returning to work. The key (and challenge) will be getting Chechu to join me.
2. I'm starting to go for more fruits and salads. My salads are becoming more and more creative. Balsamic vinegar is amazing.
3. Chechu bought more Tosta Rica breakfast/snack crackers yesterday and I haven't touched one. I REFUSE to open the box!
4. I got up "early" this morning at 8:15. I didn't want to get out of bed at that hour, but I did anyway. Thanks to that, I had a very productive morning cleaning the rest of the house, putting in a load of laundry and cooking lunch for this afternoon.
5. I've come down .2 pounds since yesterday. Every tenth counts.

My conclusion: In spite of my roller-coaster week, I see how my habits are changing. I'm winning the war against the lazy demons, as I'm growing more and more disciplined with each passing day.

Coming full circle

There are so many thoughts going through my head right now about how I want to focus this morning's entry. The past few days have been long and somewhat difficult, and I'd like to organize my thoughts somewhat to eliminate my tendency to ramble. So here's what I'll talk about this morning: Friday-Tuesday recap, current weight, new motivation and plan...

Weekend in review: My friend Courtney spent the weekend with us. She and I met in Granada in January through Amalia, the translation/interpretation program director there who I studied with in 2005 before heading off to Monterey for grad school. (Got that?) Amalia contacted me initially because Courtney was looking for an evangelical church to attend in Granada, and I was more than thrilled to introduce her to our church, Centro Familiar Cristiano. Since all students had a long break last weekend, she asked me about coming down to spend time with us and visit Almería, and we were more than thrilled to have her. Knowing how stressful life can be in Granada, our goal was for her to relax and disconnect from everything school-related, which I think we were able to achieve.

Yesterday was somewhat long. I got up with the intention of doing Turbo Jam and only got through the first five minutes. I didn’t stop because I was tired- it was more like a lack of motivation to finish. Plus I was pressed for time since I had to get ready for work. I thought about exercising after lunch but that didn’t happen either-- I fell into the nap trap again, staying in the bed until it was time for me to head back to work. In retrospect however, the extra sleep was a good thing since I came back to a pretty chaotic afternoon. Cristina and I ended up leaving the office later than usual, and instead of heading home I went back to Almería for English class with Jennifer from 9:30-11pm.

During our class my brother-in-law called me to let us know that Quintino, one of the teens at our church, had lost his battle with cancer and passed away. It’s hard to believe, frankly. I didn’t know him on a very personal level, but it is still quite a shock. The hope in it all, of course, is knowing that Quintino is with the Lord. He is now in a place where there is no more crying, pain or suffering. The burial is this afternoon at 4 and Chechu and I will be attending.

I titled this entry “coming full circle” because, in essence, it’s what I have done over the past couple weeks. I got on the scale this morning and I’m back up to 223.6 pounds, my “starting” weight. Of course I’d like to blame that on the hormones, the excess water, etc., etc., but I can’t in all good consciousness. I know that this has happened because I haven’t put my all, or even half of that into this. That’s the honest, mirror-in front-of-your-face truth. And I accept that.

It’s back on the wagon for me. I count all of these moments as part of the journey, so I don’t agonize over them. I do, however, want to be conscious of the time I spend finding my way. I want this blog to be positive and show results—I don’t want to ramble on endlessly about how much I want to lose weight, all the while not being willing to make the sacrifices and put in the extra effort that it obviously entails.