Fearfully and wonderfully made

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139: 14-16

On this last day of March, and in honor of my new goal list that I set out for April, I wanted to share another one of my favorite scriptures. Starting next month I am focusing on several non-scale goals that I've set out for myself. Among those, I want to re-wire the negative thinking that I tend to fall into at times concering my body image by focusing on what God has to say about me in His word.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am not my size 18-20 pants. The numbers on the scale do not define who I am nor do they categorize my self-worth. God created me in His image, and He loves me for who I am. I love God and I love His creation. Since He made me, I love me too. It's time for me to stop basing my self-image on what others say about me.

Considering my childhood and the constant struggles I've had with my weight, this lesson has been a hard one to grasp. It sounds like a beautiful idea, but in my case it's been difficult to put into practice. But I'm getting there.

My husband is such a great example for me in this regard. No, he doesn't run around proclaiming his love for himself. He's not vain, arrogant or conceited by any means. He is just comfortable in his own skin and doesn't let what others say about him affect his self-image. This weekend was a prime example of that.

Chechu's mom has been on him for a while now about losing weight. While both of us have put on some extra pounds since the wedding, he's the one constantly reminded about his weight gain. Like most men, when Chechu puts weight on it goes directly to his tummy. He makes jokes about it all the time, and I know it's not a façade to cover up the true insecurities he has about his weight. The man just doesn't have any.

Yesterday the three of us drove up to Granada for evening service. As we were walking toward the hotel, Charo began to remind Chechu about his belly and how much he needs to lose it:

Charo: Your stomach looks horrible. You look like a 40-yr-old instead of a 29-yr-old. You have to lose weight.

Chechu: Are you kidding?? With all the money I've invested in my belly to get it like this? (Proceeds to show off his side profile)

All laugh and immediately change subject.

I love Charo to death. She is such an amazing person, and so obviously a mom who cares about her son's well being like any mother does. However, her words can be somewhat harsh for my liking when it comes to Chechu. He insists that she sometimes exaggerates with her comments because she knows that since it's all going to go in one ear and out the other anyway, maybe something might stick. But no. Chechu genuinely laughs it off, showing her and everyone else that he's not going to change anything about himself until he makes that decision for himself. He gets the whole fearfully and wonderfully made concept and lives it.

Marianna, however, has struggled with that her entire life. As a child and adolescent, even the slightest comment about my weight would throw my world in an uproar, crushing every ounce of self-esteem I had. The vast majority of those comments came from the bullies at school. The remainder came from concerned family members who (usually) reinforced their words with love. I, however, didn't know to make the distinction between positive reinforcement and just plain cruelty. It was all the same to me, and it all lead me to my conclusion that being overweight was equivalent to having 0 worth.

Now that I think about it, every time- EVERY time I've ever lost weight in the past, it was always done in an attempt to please others. So that Fulanita will be my friend. So that Fulanito will think I'm pretty. So that I won't be charged double for public transportation. (Part of my whirlwind experience living abroad in the DR, which deserves an entire blog for itself). Even when I did lose the weight then, I was never content with the results, and I never managed to see myself any differently.

A few more ups and downs on the yo-yo cylce and several years later, I'm finally starting to get it. This time around, I'm not doing this for anyone else. Not for friends, not to keep up appearances. This is all about ME, and I'm going to bask in my success. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and yes, I AM worth it all.