Needing to vent..

So Chechu and I are finishing out our last few days here in the States before heading back to Spain on Friday. Much like last year my expectation was to be able to go on and on about how wonderful of a time I've had during the holidays- how much I've seen and how much I've enjoyed being home with family and friends. After being away for a year I suppose it gets easier and easier to romanticize the idea of coming back home. This, in my case however, has only lead to the reality of being disappointed.

Granted, I'm thrilled that I got the chance to see my sister and meet her new husband. Both of us ended up getting sick over Christmas break, so that inevitably limited our plans. But in the midst of it all it was good to reconnect with her- I just wish that we would have had more time to hang out..

As we're preparing to head back home my biggest concern at this point is employment issues, particularly for Chechu. True to form, more issues with his teaching contract have come up and despite having advised his superiors of some mistakes that he caught in his contract nearly a month ago, nothing has been done about it. This has resulted in no paycheck this month which is obviously extremely worrysome. I just hate how everything is such a struggle.

Today has been difficult in terms of finding the motivation to do just about anything. It was nearly impossible for me to get out of bed this morning and I struggled all the way up through lunchtime to stay on task and get things accomplished. Just one of those days, I guess..

I had class this afternoon at the academy that went well. Today was my last day until after Christmas break in January when I fully take over the classes for the other teacher who'll be leaving. As it stands right now I have about 14 hours per week and all I can do is pray that an additional 25-30 hours come from somewhere. I know that it's all going to work out though and I'm anxious to see how things come together.

I've got the rest of the week to finish house-cleaning and get our packing done for the trip.

Christmas Plan

It's just after midnight here and I thought I'd get a quick post in before heading to bed. The weather here has been freezing as of late (very unusual for this type of climate) and it's been making headlines everywhere. Thankfully we don't live in the northern part of Spain where they've been bombarded with snowstorms over the past couple of days, but nonetheless this weather has me missing the balmy winter months we enjoyed last year..



I haven't posted anything substantial about my weight loss process in a very long time, mainly because it's been stagnant for months now. It's kind of disappointing to say that I find myself at the same place where I was last year- in fact I've gained a good 5-7 pounds since then. Chechu and I have recognized that we've taken a big-time fall off the wagon and that both of us have gained weight in the process. I feel like I've been flailing in my efforts to get things back on track- one day I'll be totally on, and the next day throwing caution to the wind. It's terribly frustrating.



The "dilemma" in our case is that the holidays are here and within a few short days we'll be on our way back to the States to spend Christmas and New Year's with my family. I find it completely unrealistic to commit to a restrictive fruit and vegetable plan in order to lose weight while we're away and I refuse to continue to allow myself to fall into that same rut, thinking that this time around that plan of action will yield positive results. In short, the main goal for both of us is to come back not having gained anymore weight and then continuing with our plan here at home. However, it'd be great to work out at least a few times with my sister, and definitely lay low on the holiday treats. I guess I just have to see the importance of the holidays minus all the food- a difficult challenge at best. I don't know- to some it may sound like I'm accepting mediocrity but at this point I see it as not setting myself up for failure. I'm going home with my husband to enjoy the people, culture, food, etc that I haven't been around in over a year, and I refuse to allow myself to get stressed out about numbers on the scale. Maybe that's the key of it all in the first place..



I do know that upon our return there will be some specific things that will have to change in order to ensure our success in this endeavor:



1). As the primary cook for our family, I realize that the bulk of our healthy eating (or lack thereof) depends on moi. Since I somehow innately always cook for six people instead of two, one of my biggest challenges is decipering portion control and sticking to it. My husband comes from the type of family that teaches you to clean your plate, full or not, and like me, the women in his family enjoy cooking large amounts of food so that everyone can eat to their heart's content. So, in other words, that means at meal time we eat. A lot. Like two or even three times the amount we should be eating. Diet-wise this is one of the biggest things that has to change.



2). We've been allowing red meat back into our diet. In large quantities. And that's not exactly the best option for me to keep my cholesterol under control. So after Christmas, nothing but chicken and fish crossing these lips.



3). The sugary drinks will also be making their exit come January. Aside from milk and the very occasional sip of wine here and there, drinking 64oz of water will become a norm for both of us.



I'm sure that just by putting these three changes in practice we'd automatically start seeing the pounds come off. This will definitely be the backbone of our plan and that coupled with exercise will definitely ensure us success.

Feelings

I'm trying not to dwell on the fact that I'm feeling a little bit on the down side this morning.

I had an "interview" this morning at the unemployment office to register me in their system. I was supposed to bring in all of my diplomas and degrees (only one of which I have here in Spain, and somehow it got rained on last week when water leaked into our guest room/office) along with my resume to go over my qualifications and see what kinds of offers are currently available. Since I'll be officially starting to work at the language academy in January, albeit part-time for now, I didn't really see the point in going to the stupid interview, but Chechu told me that it was necessary for me to go- at the very least so that they would have my information on file.
To make a long story short, it was a total waste of time. The woman who "interviewed" me was barely able to register me at all since none of my diplomas/degrees were granted to me in Spain. Apparently I'll have to go through the Department of State in order for my studies to be validated here and until that happens the only work I'll be qualified for - the offers that come through the unemployment office that is- would be cleaning buildings and/or toilets since my degrees don't account for anything to them. Needless to say, I was pretty irritated walking out of there this morning.

On the way back home I stopped by my old job to pick up some of my belongings that I had accidentally left behind. My ex-coworker called me yesterday to let me know that I still had some of my things there and, honestly, just the thought of crossing that threshold again gave me a stomach ache. However, this morning I surprised myself, sucked it up and went in. It was actually pleasant to see the girls again, contrary to what I had originally thought, but I just stayed long enough to say hello and get my things.

I have the entire day to myself today since Chechu has a luncheon this afternoon and won't be back home until tonight after his Bible study group. Initially I thought of just being a hermit for the day, getting the bulk of my house-cleaning/organizing done and finalizing my lesson plans for next week, but I may surprise myself and venture out after all.

Quick note

This week has gone by incredibly fast- before I know it, next Saturday will be here and Chechu and I will be on our merry way back to the U.S of A. I. CAN'T. WAIT!!

I have had quite a productive day thus far today, and before Bible study tonight I intend to get my lesson plans together for next week, clean my kitchen, wash another load of laundry and straighten my hair. I think I can pull that off in three hours!

Feelin' good!

I'm encouraged!

1). I just got a wonderful email/praise report from my sister about her husband's residency paperwork on its way to being processed. They could have let this issue be the fork in the road that divided their relationship apart, but on the contrary they chose to trust God and His plan for them in light of the circumstances they faced. After all, what is a simple issue of paperwork for Almighty God? Now my brother-in-law is on his way to becoming an American citizen and I'm so exicted about it I can't even sit still!

2). I just got back home from a great afternoon of classes at the academy. My biggest challenge of the day was with the little kids- second graders- who are the most rambunctious group of children I've ever worked with. I don't mind having class with them but I'll be the first to admit that working with unruly kids is not my forte. Rather than being able to enjoy my lesson with them I spent the majority of the class being a referee which I don't like at all. I get along great with the older children though, and the adult classes I just love. Apparently the other teacher who started almost at the same time as me does very well with the young children, so I may be able to exchange my elementary school classes for her adult ones. We'll see. Either way, I feel encouraged about the possibilities that I have at this academy, and even though I'm continuing to look for additional work to complement the hours that I'll have there, I have an inkling that those additional hours will come directly from there.

3). I am loving my December vacation. This was exactly what I had been praying for! Knowing that I'll never have to go back to my old job just automatically lifts my spirits. I've literally erased the entire experience from memory!

4). I am leaving for the States in less than two weeks!!! Now that I have some more down time on my hands, I'm taking advantage of it all to get this house in order and do some pre-spring cleaning, since I know that once January gets here I won't have time for it all, with all the work I'll have.

5). Weight loss is, well, stagnant. In all honesty I've gained back some of the stress weight I had lost thanks to my job plus a few additional pounds which, according to the scale on Sunday, have brought me up to a record-breaking 227. Knowing that the holidays are coming up and the fact that I'll be home to enjoy them with my family makes me a tad bit nervous about how I will behave food-wise. I won't deprive myself but the key is not to overindulge. During these next couple weeks before our trip as I get my house in order I also need to get myself back on track with proper diet and exercise. I will do it!

It's funny how some moments I feel totally motivated to blog about my day, my feelings, etc. and then moments later, overwhelmed with everything that I want to say, I completely lose all interest. Tonight is no different but in spite of that I'm fighting the urge to click on the red X and just put off writing for another day.

I had three classes this afternoon at the English academy and, for the most part, they went well. The kids managed to stay pretty well behaved and the teenagers were generally good too although obnoxious at times. Being with them totally reminded me of how my high school Spanish classes used to be. I would have attended the adult conversation class from 7-8 but since most of the students didn't come Christine asked if I could come on Thursday night at that time to sit in on the class which won't be a problem.

Tomorrow I plan to apply for another job in Roquetas, close to where the academy is located, and I'm just praying that if it's for me then I'll have it. I know that I made the right decision in leaving my former job- I've got no doubt in my mind about it. But it's this semi in-limbo stage that's starting to make me feel a little bit antsy.

I know it's going to work out...

One step at a time

Slowly but surely I feel like I'm getting myself back on track and that to me is exciting.

I officially quit my job last Friday, and with all the hustle and bustle we had over the weekend with our Thanksgiving party and church activities,

there wasn't much time for the reality to sink in that as of Monday I would no longer be going back to that dinky, cigarette smoke-filled, toxic environment of an office to spend 10 hours of my day. For the first time in I don't know how long, I woke up on Monday morning without an ounce of anxiety or stress.

I have unofficially been hired at the language academy that I mentioned in my previous post in Roquetas (my contract will begin in January after the holidays) and over the course of the next few weeks leading up to Christmas break I'll be transitioning myself in as the new teacher for various classes. It's part-time work during the afternoons between Monday and Thursday, and I'm continuing to look for another job to complete the morning shift. My prayer is that this situation will be completely worked out before we leave for the States and I know that God is able and will do it!

This afternoon I have my first session of classes at the academy from 4-9 or so. I'm looking forward to meeting the students!

It's a new season

This afternoon is proving to drag on in every possible sense of the word. I'm so anxious for 8pm to roll around and it just feels like these next two hours and forty five minutes will never come and go. It's simply amazing how fast the time flies when I'm relaxing at my apartment during my lunch break and how brutally endless the afternoon shift can be- busy or not.

After many hours of prayer and tears shed, my husband and I have made the decision that it's time for me to quit my job. I spoke with my church mentor this past weekend to get a word from her on the whole job issue, and she told me that this was the step of faith that God was calling me to take. Sure, quitting my job has never been the hard part of it all-- it's finding something else in the process that has me feeling a bit nervous.

In spite of that, I put in my two weeks notice on Monday. I have an interview tomorrow afternoon with a language academy here in Roquetas and I'm also waiting to confirm an interview with another language academy here in Aguadulce. I'm waiting for more transcription work to come in, and I might have some e-learning English courses to teach soon. I'm going to continue contacting the few translation agencies around here to see if there's any work available as well... I don't know. I know that God is going to work everything out, and I'm confident that this is the step of faith that I needed to take at this very point in my life.

Chechu and I are leaving for LA on December 20th, and I'm praying that I'll have work lined up before then with something full time to come back to in January when we return. I know that God is going to work it all out.

Joy unspeakable

I stayed home this morning from church. When my alarm went off at 8am I awoke feeling a rush of anxiety knowing that I still had to plan my lesson for my class this afternoon, organize my finances and take two minutes to myself to- what's that?- relax. So I slept in until 10:30, took a long shower and then sat down to plan my lesson, read my Bible and enjoy the still quiet of my apartment on this beautiful Sunday morning.

At this point, I'm continuing to believe God for a change in jobs. I've applied and applied, prayed, cried, pleaded and here I am, continuing to wait and trying not to lose my patience in the process.

Still standing

It's been a long Friday. A long, highly emotional Friday. Work-related? You betcha.

I was THIS close to walking out this afternoon for my lunch break to never turn back. I tried to put on a happy face for my husband when he got back home to eat, only to have my efforts dissolve into a puddle of tears at the kitchen table. We prayed about it all together, and he told me that he'd rather see us work with less money while I find another job than to see me upset about where I am currently. So I went back to work with every intention on giving my two-weeks' notice. I spoke with Andrea about it, and to my surprise for once I felt like she really understood me and at the same time felt concern toward me. She encouraged me to keep going and she said that she would work more with me to lighten the load I've had to carry on my shoulders. And she did. She really came through on her word. On top of all that, after the work week we've had I'd pretty much accepted the fact that I'd have to go in tomorrow to catch up. And God miraculously came through so that none of us would have to go in.

It amazes me how much God can cause your heart to change toward a person. Two months ago the mere sight of Andrea was enough to put me in a bad mood. I constantly felt judged by her. But I don't feel the same way about her anymore. It feels like we're co-workers now who help each other out, working together instead of clashing constantly.

I'm not sure how much longer I'll be at my present job. I'm praying for God to open the doors for me to move into a new opportunity. But today's events have encouraged me not to throw the towel in just yet.

Even though yesterday was a weekday, Chechu and I thoroughly enjoyed our first anniversary together. Sure, a week off from work to whisk ourselves away to some remote island to celebrate would have been ideal, but circumstances being such as they are didn't make that possible. Nevertheless we both made the day special by enjoying each other's company during our lunch break and after work when we went out to dinner. We went out to an Italian restaurant in Almería and had a pretty big meal. At 11:00pm to top it off. But it was well worth it.

I feel like my emotions have run the gamut over the past, I don't know, six months or so. Diet wise I've gone back and forth so many times only to find myself in the same place where I started out in February. That definitely doesn't make me proud, but with everything I've been dealing with lately (aka my job) I can't say that I'm dissapointed in myself for maintaining my weight. Being the emotional eater that I am, I'm thankful that the stress I've been under hasn't caused me to revert back to my old ways in looking to food for comfort (and consequently gaining 20-30 pounds). The most important thing, of course, is being able to pick myself up again and get back on track. I've lost my motivation to get up early in the mornings to work out, and I totally need to get that back.

I'm on my way.

Anniversary!

Even though it's after midnight it's still October 20th for me since I haven't gone to bed yet. This time a year ago I married my best friend and soul mate, and I'm so thankful to have him in my life. It's hard to believe a year has gone by already!

Reprieve

For the first time in I don't know how long, I'm having the chance to enjoy watching the sun rise. I have my cup of honey lemon tea beside me, my Bible to do some reading later on and I'm sporting the most comfortable pajamas that I own. I've been sick all week with a pretty nasty virus and rather than forcing myself to go to work like I've been doing, I decided to take this Friday off to stay home and recuperate. I am so glad that I did.

The Lord really came to my rescue about working on Saturdays since the other day I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown. This weekend it turns out that I don't have to go in, and I don't think it'll be necessary next weekend either. My boss usually talks a lot before any changes are ever made official, and knowing how reluctant we all are to the idea of working on the weekends I don't think he'll actually make it a rule. Or so I hope..

Tomorrow, depending on how I feel, I may decide to go up to Granada with my husband since he has another rehearsal. I'm going to try to get in touch with one of my professors there to see if I can meet up with her for a little bit. It's been a while since we've seen each other, and I'm sure she'll have some ideas as far as looking for a new job is concerned. I'm so tired of not working in my field..

Diet wise, well, there's not that much to tell since I've been sick all week. I have managed to hold steady at 217 all week, which has been nice to see. The key of course will be getting back in the saddle next week and staying on plan with diet and exercise in order to keep losing. I want to be in the 190s by the time I go home for Christmas in December.

When?

It's 6:15pm.

I have an hour and forty five minutes left to be at my job.

I'm sick and I desperately want to go home and curl up on my couch.

My life would be a million times happier if I didn't have to come back here ever again. But I somehow have been sucked into the wonderful world of working on Saturdays too, starting this weekend. That makes my headache pound just a little bit harder. I swear this job is just about taking over my life. When is this ordeal going to be over?? When will I be able to move onto the job I've been waiting for??

Saturday

Finally here. I had some strange dreams last night that have left me a little befuddled this morning, but other than that I'm feeling good. Chechu just left not too long ago for Granada and he'll be there all day for another rehearsal. Both of us were hoping to have a Saturday off to spend together, but it looks like that won't be possible for at least another couple weeks since there are a lot of church activities going on between now and then on the weekends. It's hard to believe that our first anniversary will be coming up in less than a month!

As of this morning I'm currently weighing in at 220.4 pounds. Granted, this hasn't been the best week in terms of exercise, but I have been very diligent (okay, maybe diligent is too strong of a word here) in watching my calories. I'm still waiting to post a huge loss that has yet to come and I'm a bit frustrated about it to say the least. But all I can do is keep going. The method seems so simple-- exercise between 45 minutes to an hour every day, lay off the bad carbs, salt and sugar and increase intake of vegetables, fruits and lean proteins. So freakin simple. And why it's so. freakin. hard to do sometimes is beyond my comprehension.

My goals for this chilly, damp Saturday:

1). Go visit with Fátima and be back before 2pm!
2). Read my Bible and spend time in prayer from 2-3
3). Exercise 3-4
4). 4:30-5 get ready for church
5). Church service

After church:
1). Clean house and iron
2). Make lunch for Sunday
3). Hang out with my man after he gets back home :)

This week has been a strain to get through. Emotionally I feel pulled in all kinds of directions and, as usual, my job is pretty much at the center of it all. I continue to strugge with finding my peace with being in this work environment, but I suppose I'm getting there. I know I'm not going to be here forever and that God has something bigger and better planned for me. I'm trying not to focus on my "now" and get the big picture instead...

With everything going on this week I haven't had the chance to work out at all. I need to get this back on track by tomorrow. Seriously.

All things considered, I can't exactly complain about having lost just under two pounds this past week although I do wish I had a bigger number to post. My goal is to just keep things steady and consistent so that by this time next week I can log a preferably more significant loss. I admit, however, that seeing the numbers whittle down tenth-of-a-pound by tenth-of-a-pound can get discouraging at times, making me feel like I'm standing at the foot of an 80ft. mountain trying to contemplate how in the world I'll ever get to the top.

Being pressed for time yesterday I totally missed my cardio workout and today, barring 10 minutes of exercise that I was able to squeeze in tonight before cooking for tomorrow, I haven't had any additional time to exercise. Tomorrow, however, is a new day. I plan to get in a good workout tomorrow before work, and if I can squeeze in another one after I get back in the evening that'd be great too.

Today has been just what I needed it to be- quiet, peaceful and productive. I slept in until after 11am, played around on the internet for a little while and by noon I was up and about doing my Turbo Sculpt dvd. After that I spent the rest of the early afternoon cleaning and organizing, washed a couple loads of laundry and cooked for tomorrow. The rest of my agenda today includes talking with my sister, ironing and helping Chechu organize our guest room/office. Oh and more relax time of course. Might get in a nice pedicure or something before the day is over, who knows..

Diet wise things have continued well this week. Last week I fell short 1 day according to my exercise schedule, working out only 4 days instead of the 5 I had planned. Not the end of the world by any means though. I had a pretty stressful Friday yesterday too and I didn't get a workout in then either, which I wasn't at all upset about. In fact I was thrilled that I didn't turn to my usual comfort foods in an attempt to make me "feel" better.

This is my exercise schedule for this coming week:

Sunday: Cardio 45 minutes (before church)
Monday: Cardio 45 minutes (AM)
Tuesday: Strength training 40 minutes (PM)
Wednesday: Cardio 45 minutes (AM)
Thursday: Break
Friday: Cardio 45 minutes (PM)

Is it Friday yet?

Things this week have been going well on all levels pretty much. Plus it's Wednesday and that means just two more days until the weekend. On Saturday I'm taking the whole day to myself to relax and get some things done around the house since my husband will be in Granada all day for another rehearsal.

I feel particularly happy about how I've been sticking to plan this week. In terms of exercise I've focused primarily on doing cardio-- next week I'm going to start adding strength training to my routine and I'm looking forward to it. Tonight's workout will mark my 5th this week- tomorrow I'll take the day off and then start back up on Friday.

Food-wise things have been going well. Barring a couple late-night run-ins with the fridge, I've been doing well. I'm not following any particular diet, but rather focusing on eating low-fat, balanced meals and laying low on the carbs. I feel much better knowing that I'm not tying myself down to a diet routine.

That's all for now..

I think I've got it back

I did work out early Friday morning after posting my last entry and did it ever feel great. There's just something about starting the day off with exercise that makes you feel like you've already accomplished something important even before walking out the door in the morning- or at least that's how my Friday went, in spite of the hassles at work that I face on a daily basis.

On Saturday we relaxed pretty much all morning and afternoon until it was time to get ready for the the wedding-- Chechu's uncle and his long-time girlfriend got married. In spite of my intense cardio workout before getting dressed for the wedding, I wasn't able to escape the fact that I ended up making a big mistake in putting on a babydoll dress-style top that tied in the back to go with my black dress pants and sandals-- not flattering at all.

Towards the end of the reception the bride's father went around passing cigars to everyone, and when he got to me he immediately remarked on how I couldn't smoke, and that of course left everyone sitting at our table looking at Chechu and me sideways, as if we decided to hide something as big as a pregnancy. No pun intended... Needless to say I was highly embarrassed and angry that he could make such a comment although, in all honesty, I don't believe he deliberately intended to hurt my feelings.

In spite of all that however, I really feel like I'm getting my motivation back to get moving with my weight loss. I've hemmed and hawed with this for long enough and it finally feels like things have come full circle. I'm particularly getting back into my exercise habit, which I'm thrilled about. I know it'll take some time to fully build up my routine again, but I'm going to stick with it nonetheless. I feel good about this coming week and all that is in store!

I had a splitting headache last night after getting in from work, and for the first time in I don't know how long I went to bed at 9pm. It's now just after 5 in the morning and I'm wide awake, so I figured I'd take some uninterrupted time to blog.

The past couple of weeks have been crazy-this week in particular, and all of the extra stress has wreaked havoc on my intentions to get back on track. I haven't fallen completely off the wagon, but I haven't made any extra special efforts to decisively get back on either.
My downfalls continue to be the same-- no exercise, lack of planning and zero accountability.

My immediate short-term goal is to make tomorrow a productive day- not to let my job and all of the stress it entails consume me, and to make my health a priority. That is, after all, why I'm doing this.

***

So my accountability starts now. This was me today:

• No breakfast, V8 for lunch
• Dinner (8:30pm) Porkloin/cheese sandwich, 1 cup veggie lasagna
• Snack (4:30am) 2 slices of bread with paté spread, 1 can 7Up
• Exercise: walking home from work (10 minutes)

My health-related goals to make tomorrow a fantastic Friday

1). Exercise for 45 minutes after writing this entry

2) Stick to my meal plan for the day:

• Breakfast: Egg whites, V8, coffee w/ skim milk no sugar
• Lunch: Chicken breast fillets, sautéed vegetables, large green salad
• Dinner: 1 small can of tuna (drain the oil and rinse), LF white cheese, yogurt

I realize that getting back on track is taking things one day at a time and staying committed. It's about not being afraid to change and being willing to put my health and well-being as a top priority. I am worth it.

Frustrated

I've struggled with my weight for practically my entire life- so much so that it subconsciously has become a part of who I am. Being on some sort of diet or, at the very least, being painfully aware of how much I eat and exercise every day has claimed a big part of my identity for a very long time. What initially started out as a plan to lose the baby fat at age 13 has extended through my twenties, often times leaving me feeling like the little mouse that runs full-speed on an exercise wheel but never gets anywhere.

Sigh.

I just need to stop thinking and start doing.

Choices

Life has been quite hectic as of late, namely due to an increased amount of duties at work. If I thought the work day went by fast before, it goes by at lightning speed now-- so much so that I seriously have no down time anymore during my entire day. I used set aside time during the morning or afternoon hours to blog and catch up on emails but that has been impossible lately, hence the 10-day lapse between entries.

Pardoning the cliché, I'm finally coming to realize that my life is going to be what I make of it. I could go on and on about how moody and downcast I've been this entire summer about my job and how it's not fair and blah blah blah, but none of that complaining has solved anything-- in fact, it's done nothing but hurl me deeper into a downward spiral of depression. Allowing this situation to affect me like this has had a significant impact on my personal life-- it follows me home every day and its negativity has seeped into my home because I foolishly chose not to shut it out from the beginning. I'm determined to change that as of this instant-- my husband certainly doesn't deserve to come home to a bitchy wife every other day.

So I'm taking it all back. I'm claiming joy and freedom over my life and the peace in knowing that God has got it all under control. I trust Him and I recognize that I'm where I am for a reason. That truth leads me to a fork in the road: I can choose to wait patiently on the Lord, enjoying every moment He's been gracious enough to grant me, finding my contentment in Him and being a channel through which his love and grace are made manifest OR I can kick and scream myself through this season of my life, making the conscious decision to be miserable and make everyone around me equally as miserable.

I choose the former.

Tuesday

Another great workout this morning.. Granted, it was even more of a challenge to convince myself to get up and stay up today, but thankfully I was able to beat the urge to sleep. In spite of the crazy morning at work today I felt really energized and in good spirits. I'm definitely going to have to keep up with this routine. Knowing that I've worked out and had fun doing it before I step out the door in the morning is a great motivator.

In light of all the recommitment going on I'm also going to get back to posting my weigh ins, updating my stats continually every Tuesday. Since last Monday the numbers on the scale have been coming down slowly but consistently which, in my case, is the key to success.

More and more it looks as though our trip to Murcia this weekend is becoming a reality and I am so excited about making it out there! I definitely need a break from my surroundings, albeit for just two days. I think I've finally gotten over my vacation bitterness and have accepted the reality that this summer is going to be filled with work. In all honesty, I can't complain at all about that, considering that almost every summer that I've been in school I've had to worry about money and not having enough to pay bills. So now that I have a "stable" job, in light of the current employment conditions here, I have to be thankful for what I do have. At the very least I'll be able to travel back to the States in December to spend Christmas with my family and enjoy a much needed dose of home.

Monday

The weekend came and went fast as usual. Thankfully I got over Friday's bad mood rather quickly, and by Saturday morning everything was back to normal.

This work week has actually started off well, contrary to what I had thought would be the case. As of last week we've got a new accountant working in the office who is going to be taking care of all the company billing-- the root of all the dysfunction that's been going on as of late- and I'm praying that her being here will change things for the better.

I fought the urge not to work out this morning and won. On Saturday I bought some new adorable running shoes and I broke them in this morning. It felt great to start my Monday off with exercise-- that's my plan between now and Thursday. Hopefully we'll be out of town this weekend visiting Chechu's aunt in Murcia, and in that case I'll be counting Friday as an off day. This coming weekend is actually a long one for us since Friday is a national holiday, so I'm definitely looking forward to the extra day off.

After prayer tonight I'll be heading home to wish my mama a very happy birthday and from there get our cooking done for the rest of the week while finishing up some chores. It's so nice not to have to worry about squeezing in a workout tonight!

Random thoughts at 12:25AM:

1). Stupid arguments with spouse suck, especially at the start of a much-anticipated weekend.

2). Biting your tongue so as not to exacerbate said argument equally sucks. Especially when you want to verbally let spouse have it for being an insensetive $%#TWFS@@#$@.

3). Pool is awesome. BUT being beaten TWICE at pool with spouse after said argument adds hot, flaming fuel to the consuming fire that is my mood right now. Yes, I am a sore loser.

The only positive in this situation? I didn't allow my irritation to propel me into emotional eating. In fact, I turned down several of spouse's invitations to go out for ice cream after playing pool.

I don't know. I'm frustrated myself for being so angry over something so stupid. For the most part I consider myself to be pretty patient and slow to anger. However, I'm also slow to get over my anger. I replay arguments in my head thinking of what I should have said in the moment when I could have and didn't. I guess that's bad, right? I don't know.. What I do know is that I can't let this argument affect my mood for the entire weekend. It's totally not worth it, especially since Monday will be here before I even realize it. Hopefully after getting some rest tonight I'll wake up over everything.

Work it out

I'm thrilled to post that I've finally broken through my exercise plateau!

Last night after work I finally dusted off my exercise dvds and got in a 45-minute workout. It was amazing to get through the video and I actually had fun doing it, rather than just wishing it was overwith already. I think that's one of the keys (at least for me) to finally start enjoying exercise. It's always seemed like a chore rather than quality time that I spend taking care of myself, and I know that in changing my mindset that will obviously help me to make exercise a part of my daily routine.

This morning I also started my day off with another workout, so I'm excited to have two sessions under my belt thus far. My goal is to get in 45 minutes of exercise every day for the next three weeks

Day Three

All things considered, day three of our renewed commitment to health and weight loss is progressing well. However my stomach is a bubbling mess today, presumably due to my increased vegetable intake, and that has left me making more trips to the bathroom than I would like. Hopefully everything will be back to normal by tomorrow though.

My biggest challenge thus far is getting excited about exercise again. It's been forever since I worked out last, and as of lately it's been easier for me to find excuses for not exercising than finding time to actually do it. I have everything I need to get a good exercise regime started- the only think I lack is the key element- motivation. Yesterday I had every intention on working out after my tutoring session, but my MIL and a friend of ours decided to drop by the house for an "I'm coming over anyway" visit (this was after I said over the phone that last night wouldn't be a good time to meet up), leaving me to totally interrupt my class and play hostess until after 11:30pm. Granted, we ended up having a good time together but I was definitely irritated that I had to stall my plans. So, needless to say, yesterday came and went without exercise either. Tonight our plan is to have dinner early after I get out of work and then head out to Bible study from there. I'm making it up in my mind to put forth the extra effort and work out tonight after we get back home. I have to get started with this, and I hate sounding like a broken record! Breaking through this barrier is exactly what I need to get the ball rolling again.

Be encouraged

I'm encouraging myself through the rest of this week as best I can. It's funny how some weeks just breeze by, leaving you wondering where the time went while others drag on to the last possible second.

I read over yesterday's post a few times last night after writing it. Then I read some posts I had written last year when my sister was in a similar employment situation and I was trying to encourage her, reminding her to just trust in the Lord and that everything would work out fine. In her case, after a summer of worrying and wondering how everything would turn out, she was offered a great job 100% related to her field, she got to move out to LA and, wouldn't you know it, she ended up meeting her soul mate out there, whom she'll be marrying in four short months. Her experience, among so many others that we both have shared, speaks volumes about God's faithfulness and His perfect timing. I know that God isn't oblivious to how I'm feeling right now about my job. In fact, He's quite aware of everything that I'm going through. If I trust Him (which I do), I choose to rest on His promises, knowing that He holds my life in His hands. My dream job is on the way, and it won't be forced or awkward. On the contrary, it will fall perfectly into place.

In other news, we just found out today that Chechu's uncle will be getting married next month! He and his girlfriend have been together for years now, and they've finally decided to make things official. I'm really excited for them! The date has been set for September 6 and Chechu and I are both thinking of it as an additional incentive to meet our short term goals for our new commitment to the diet. I already have the dress in mind that I want to use for the wedding, but I definitely will have to put some work in to fit into it. I refuse to go out and buy another dress when I could easily put in some work and get into the ones I already own.

Since we started out on our new plan yesterday I haven't had the chance to exercise. This evening I have an English tutoring session to teach, and after that I'm not sure whether or not there will be time to work out tonight either. I have to make time for it though. Forty five minutes isn't too much to ask, and I can put my other chores on hold for at least that long and take care of me. I have to change my mindset about exercise- like eating it has to become a part of my day. No excuses.

The rest of my rant

In all honesty, this Monday was unexpectedly difficult to get through. But, thank goodness, I've made it home and I'm relaxing on my couch, trying to sort through my thoughts. Towards the latter part of the afternoon I started to feel a little sick to my stomach and that, coupled with my eagerness to just get through the rest of the day and get home made me decide to skip our prayer meeting tonight and stick around here for the rest of the evening.

I feel so weird right now, and I hate that feeling. I feel restless and impatient for several main reasons:

1). My job. I've written so many posts about this that I've probably driven people away from reading this blog! But in all seriousness, it really has been a huge stress factor in my life:

• My job has nothing to do with what I've spent so many years studying. I'm a translator and interpreter. While I was originally hired for that very purpose, the fact that the real estate market has all but collapsed here in Spain and in the US market we were dealing with caused my boss to begin exploring other business opportunities. Prior to opening his real estate business he previously worked in logistics and importing/exporting food products, and as of March he's gone back into that. Initially I was to be in charge of the international division of the business, but that has all but been put on hold since he is more focused on building up his clientele here in Spain. I wasn't brought on board with that until May when crisis mode hit after he realized that Christina wasn't capable of carrying everything herself, despite my offers to help out.
• The obvious work environment which has been toxic as of late, as I've alluded to in just about every recent entry
• I hate my work schedule. 9am -2pm and then 4pm-8pm pretty much SUCKS. I have no time for anything else.

2). I sorely need a vacation. I am beyond burned out and I need time to myself and time to just regroup. It pains me to admit it, but I'm jealous of my husband and all the vacation time he's had this summer. He's got the entire summer off since he's a teacher, and since he doesn't have classes he's been working during the morning hours at his second job to bring in some extra income. Even at his second job they're giving him the last two weeks off in August for vacation. Can I have a break here please? Instead of the month vacation we're entitled to at my job, the benevolent boss is giving us all four days off. FOUR DAYS, that's it. I told him that I had to take off time in December to go to LA for my sister's wedding, and I refuse to go for less than two weeks. For that very reason I have no time off this summer. I can't believe I'm saying this, but winter can't get here fast enough for me.

The more things change...

The boss is on vacation this week and, true to form, now that the cat is away the mice may as well have rolled out the red carpet for the start of the Olympics. All the drama that went on last week with Christina has taken an unsurprising twist, considering that a day and a half after the boss got to the point of threatening to take her to court for breaching her employment contract he called and asked her to come back to work. Finding someone else more responsible and having to take the time to show him/her the ropes was just too much to ask I guess. So since last Wednesday she's been back and she still gets to take next week off for vacation. Seriously??

In my case the word "vacation" has me wishing that this entire summer would just get the hell overwith already. Everyone around me is getting time off left and right- and I'm still stuck here in this BS job with my BS schedule, surrounded by all these crazy people. And it's like 1000º outside to make matters worse. I seriously hate being tied down to all this. I didn't feel this burned out in grad school. Unfortunately, however, I can't grant myself the luxury of just quitting all together because I can't afford it. So until something better comes along I have no choice other than to grin and bear it.

Monday surprise

It truly amazes me when I start a day off with one perspective and see it come to an end in an entirely different light. After spending such a great, relaxing, work-free weekend, I was dreading 8:45am this morning when I'd have to leave for work. Lately things have been so stressful and tense there, and every time my boss crosses the threshold you can cut the atmosphere with a knife. This past Friday, as has been the case for several weeks now, the work week ended with yet another huge argument between my boss and Cristina, his main secretary. Thankfully I had our pastor's surprise party to distract my thoughts when I left the office, but even still I was really overwhelmed when I left work that day, desperate to find a way out.
This morning, almost immediately after coming into work the two of them went at it again, only this time Cristina cut the argument short by getting up and walking out for good, leaving behind a sea of unfinished work to be sorted out and deciphered. However, the chaos that I was expecting would result from her abrupt departure miraculously never came. Granted, the rest of us had to work double to try to start getting things organized again, but in the midst of it all there was a sense of calm and, dare I say, unity between the three of us to get things done. I actually stayed a half hour later to finish up some extra work because I wanted to and not because I begrudgingly felt compelled to hang around.

I got along well with Cristina, and I find it very unfortunate that she and the boss were'nt able to work out their differences in a more amicable way. However, whether she wanted to be or not, I think that Cristina was actually a part of the problem in the office. With her absence, a new leaf has been turned over there and I think we'll all end up being a lot happier.

Regardless of all that though, I'm still aggressively looking for a new job!

I spent a quiet, relaxing birthday with my husband and his family yesterday and had a great time. I got some very nice gifts and Chechu and I also went out to dinner at one of my favorite American restaurants here in Almeria. Before dinner we went to play a couple rounds of pool-- I'm starting to get good at it! I made some shots that actually surprised me!

Chechu's best friend Angel is in town for the week and tomorrrow he'll be coming over for lunch with us. Some soul food requests have been made, hehe, but I plan to do my best to keep everything low-fat and healthy. Today I stuck with protein and vegetables for my main meal, and I made myself a low-fat banana smoothie for dinner. Amazing. I'm still reading up on the SBD since I wasn't able to get through it all over the weekend. It definitely looks like it could be a good fit. Some of the foods and recipes I'll have to tweak a little bit since some products are different here in Spain. But for the most part we should be able to do it without a problem.

Looking forward to working out tomorrow morning!

Saturday In The Park..

.. what a great summer song that is. Could I be anymore nostalgic at this point? Hehe..

The birthday party last night was indeed a lot of fun. I focused more on enjoying everyone's company than eyeing the food and, all things considered, I behaved myself very well-- I had only a couple pieces of barbecue and a teeny-tiny slice of cake which, in all honesty, wasn't all that. Cakes here in Europe are a lot different than what I'm used to. I mean, they're great and all, but they definitely lack the thick, sugar-laden icing goodness that I love.. When my sister and I would get together with one of our cousins during our college years we would go out to the grocery store and buy birthday cakes from the bakery just to have for dessert. Ah, the memories!

For most of the day today I'll be hanging out here at the apartment by myself. Chechu left out super early this morning to go up to Granada for another worship team rehearsal at the church and won't be back until later this afternoon sometime. My original plan was to stay up when he left out this morning, but at 6:45am on a Saturday I was physically unable to get out of bed. Instead I got up around 9 and I've been working ever since. I stumbled across an article last night on cnn.com about how to make more use of your time, and one of the suggestions it offered was to prioritize your to-do list, separating what you have to get done and what you'd like to finish on a particular day. I'm all about making lists and I feel so much more productive outlining on paper the specific tasks that I have to do, but it's frustrating when I'm not able to cross off every single item at the end of the day. So today I've started to put this new priority method into practice and I think it'll be helpful in eliminating stress in a lot of ways.

Tomorrow is my birthday! I think Chechu's got a few surprises planned for me :) We have church in the morning and afterward we'll be going over to his grandmother's house for lunch since tomorrow happens to be her birthday too! All in all, I'm looking forward to spending time with everyone. I definitely wish my sister were here, but we've already made plans to spend our 29th and definitely our 30th together! :)

I'm going to start reading the South Beach Diet today. I think this could definitely be a good option for Chechu and me to get started with.

It's crazy to see how fast this summer is flying by-- this is the last weekend of July! This time last year Chechu and I were running around getting all of our documents in order for the wedding and now we're just about two months shy of our one-year anniversary. Crazy how fast the time goes when you're having fun :)

I hope to get a more detailed post in tomorrow since I'll have practically the entire day to myself. As for the rest of today I'm looking forward to getting through these last four hours of work that await me after my break, and then we have a birthday party to go to tonight which should be fun. >:)

Winds of change..

Part One: The Truth

As I've alluded to in previous posts, I've been ignoring practically everything diet-related for the past, oh, two months or so give or take the few days that I managed to work out and stay on track while my husband was away on business. I've avoided the scale at all costs because, frankly, I've been too scared to come face to face with reality. Instead, I've been eating what I want when I want and not bothering to do any form of exercise. This has got to stop. I definitely feel as though I've come to a crossroad in this journey and as of today, July 19th at 8:45PM, I'm making the commitment to get back on track. Period.

222.6. (+5lbs since last official weigh in)

According to my scale, that is what I weigh at this very moment. After mustering up the courage to finally step on, I must say that I'm pleasantly surprised to see such a "low" number considering all the crap I've been eating lately, including today. I haven't been taking care of me, and I am putting an end to this carelessness effective immediately. I'm determined to win this battle.

Part Two: The Purpose

I hate being fat. I hate constantly comparing myself to other women and being painfully aware that within my circle of friends I'm the only one with a weight problem. For as easy as it is to remind others of the contrary, I hate the constant struggle of feeling like my weight is what determines my self-worth. I hate all the undue stress (physical and mental) that being overweight is causing me. I want to be free from all of this, and ironically enough, that is a decision that starts with me.

This has been another rough week all around. Work, up until the other day, has been nothing short of a circus, I got another scathing you-don't-call-home-enough email from my Mom yesterday, diet and exercise have been CRAP all week long, I'm in sore need of a vacation and my incessant irritability tells me that my faithful friend PMS has decided to drop by for a visit. Nevertheless, tomorrow is Friday and I'm looking forward the mini break.

I'm turning 28 in one week and three days. I really wish I could spend this time with my twin sister-- it's hard to believe that we haven't hung out together to celebrate our birthday since our 25th, and even then I think we were too stressed out about starting grad school to really enjoy ourselves. I'm praying that this time next year either she and her future husband will be able to come out here or that we'll be able to make the trip out there to celebrate.
Chechu wanted to throw me another birthday party this year, but I think we'll just plan to have a more intimate celebration instead since everyone at the church is planning a surprise party for one of the pastors whose birthday falls two days before mine. I'm not trying to steal anyone's thunder, and besides, I'd much rather have a romantic dinner with Chechu anyway.

Rainy days and Mondays...

The skies have since cleared up from this morning when I left out for work in the middle of a thunderstorm. I was kind of hoping the weather would stay that way today-- theres's something about summer storms that I find ironically peaceful. Nevertheless, at this point the sun has fully come out and there's no cloud in sight. I suppose I can put up with another sunny day ;)

Things at work are going okay today. The Friday from hell had us all running away from the office last week, and I think I can speak for all of us in saying that no one was exactly looking forward to seeing each other's faces at 9am this morning. I sure as hell wasn't. But, thankfully, the morning shift has quickly come and gone without to many hassles. I've got four more hours to look forward to this afternoon that will hopefully go by just as fast and problem-free.

The weekend was good- short as always but we had fun. On Friday night we went to the movies to see The Happenning which I thought was ok. Some things didn't tie together in the end, but all in all it wasn't horrible. At some point this week we plan to go see The Chronicles of Narnia which I'm looking forward to. Saturday we spent almost the whole day with an ex-coworker of Chechu's who came over with his girlfriend to have lunch with us. We ended up hanging out for the entire afternoon and had a great time. At their request I made pork ribs and cheddar-bacon potatoes. Rave reviews on that :) Yesterday was church in the morning and Granada in the afternoon.

I'm hoping this week goes by fast.

So much for the breather..

It's just about 1pm here and I suppose I could be stressed out about all the unexpected crap that has come up this morning at my hugely dysfunctional and disorganized job. However, it's Friday and I'm already in weekend mode. Obviously with everything going on today it's not very likely that we'll get out of the office early, but I do know that come 8PM, sí o sí, I'm done for the day!

I worked out this morning! YES!! 40 minutes of sweat-pouring cardio. :)

Finally a breather

This morning at the office is actually going by very smoothly. The past few days have been long and intense, and thankfully the light at the end of the tunnel is beginning to shine through. I can finally see my weekend blank canvas coming into view!

I'm feeling really good this morning. I spoke briefly with my MIL before leaving the house, which was really nice. She's been concerned about me spending these four days by myself, and she's called me every day to check on me and make sure I'm all right. What a sweetheart. :) I definitely feel very blessed to get along so well with my husband's family and to really feel like I belong with them. Lord knows there are plenty of insufferable inlaws out there.

Chechu gets home in less than two hours!! Yay!!

In other unrelated news, I've been feeling some baby pressure as of late. Everyone, and I mean everyone from our church is constantly asking about when we're going to start having kids. To a certain degree I don't mind the questions because, frankly, we'll have children when God decides to give them to us. But it can get somewhat tiresome when the baby questions come up in every conversation. As of lately there have been a lot of newlywed couples who've gotten pregnant and apparently my BIL's wife and I are the ones everyone is looking to next. I definitely want to have children, but right now my focus is on getting healthy for me so that I can be a healthy mom to our children when that time comes.

Anyone else out there thinking of starting a family soon?

Mission Accomplished

So tomorrow marks the end of my Chechu-less four days--I'm pleasantly suprised that this week has gone by so fast. He'll be home tomorrow by the time I finish my morning shift at work, and I'm definitely looking forward to coming back to a complete house. From what he's said over the phone, the conference has been a great experience for him and he was able to make some contacts with other religious education teachers from other parts of Spain as well. So, all in all, what initially seemed like it was going to be a real drag has turned out to be a worthwhile investment-- we're already talking about making plans to attend next year's conference together.

Diet-wise things have continued to go very well this week. Unfortunately I missed my workout this morning-- I woke up on time but was waay too sore to think about working out. Surely my body is getting accustomed to exercise again since after nearly two months of not exercising my muscles are a wee bit rusty. As for my food intake, I purposely have consumed a lower amount of calories than normal this week so as to jumpstart my getting-back-on-the-wagon plan. As of tomorrow I'll be getting back into my normal routine but continuing to focus on smaller portions and getting in enough fruit and vegetables to fill me up.

Él es mi paz
Se ha llevado todos mis temores
Él es mi paz, Él es mi paz

Echo toda mi ansiedad sobre Él
Pues Él se cuida de mí
Él es mi paz, Él es mi paz

Totally emotional over this song right now and how true it is and has been in every moment of my life. God is so amazing.

Mid-week is fast approaching, thank goodness. The past few days have been quite long at work, and, according to the plan, we're putting in extra time at the start of the week so that by Friday we can have a minimal workload and get out of the office early. Here's hoping that actually happens!

I'm actually getting through my alone time better than I thought I would. Last night after prayer I ended up hanging out with my MIL- we went to dinner (we split a salad and a piece of strawberry cheesecake) and since we stayed out kind of late she slept over and headed back out to Almería this morning. Tonight I plan to talk with my mama and then get a few house cleaning chores done before bed, so I've definitely got my time occupied.

My exercise challenge thus far has been going very well. I worked out yesterday and today for 45 minutes. Tomorrow I'd like to get in a morning workout before heading out to the office and the same goes for Thursday morning. I've been filling up on fruits and vegetables over the past couple of days as well. Overall I'm really please with how I've been sticking to my goals, and I'm confident that this week will be the jump-start I need to finally get back into the swing of things.

Exercise challenge

So this upcoming week has been the one that I've least looked forward to this entire summer. My husband left this evening for a teacher's conference near Madrid and won't be back until Thursday.. Poo. Initially the plan was for him to get up early tomorrow morning and leave out by 7am to make sure he was at the conference by the 11am start, but we later decided that the better option would be to head up this evening and spend the night at his grandmother's house, located fairly close to where the conference is being held. The activities conclude Wednesday evening, but rather than making the long drive back home that night he'll be staying over at his gram's again and leave out Thursday morning.

Although we've had a great weekend together, knowing he was going to be leaving tonight kind of put a damper on my mood. The two of us have grown more attached to each other than we've ever been since we got married last year, and when he's not here there's a part of me that's missing too. I seriously started to cry as I watched him pull away!

Nevertheless, I intend to make the most of the four days ahead of me. I've got some summer cleaning projects I want to finish up and, more importantly, I really want to jump-start my exercise plan. My goal is to journal and exercise every day this week, keeping track of my eating and exercise.

Here's to the start of a new week!

Accountability

So yeah, getting back to weight-loss and all...

Diet-wise I've been off track for a good little while and and my now tight-fitting clothes blatantly evidence that. Strangely enough however, I don't feel like a horrible person nor have I fallen into my normal pattern of beating myself up endlessly for making less-than-stellar choices regarding food and exercise. On the contrary, I'm seeing this as just another bend in the journey and I recognize that I'm now ready to pick up where I left off and get back on the straight and narrow.

It really doesn't have to be anymore complicated than that.

After discussing this whole deal with my sister, I finally get that:

• This isn't a race to the finish line.

I'm through with making ridiculous, unattainable goals for myself, only to buckle under the weight of all the pressure, (no pun intended) digging myself even further into a hole I'm trying to get out of.

• My sole purpose in getting this weight of is for my health and wellbeing and not to meet some crazy standard that I've tried to impose on myself.

My friends and family love me for who I am regardless of my weight and my husband swears up and down that I'm the sexiest thang on this Earth. I embrace that and the fact that I don't have to be a perfect size 6 to be worthy of it.

So what's my plan?

1). EXERCISE! I've been off track with this for nearly a month now. Tonight I did about seven minutes or so of Turbo Jam and finished up some housework which, all things considered, is a start. My goal is to gradually (and reasonably) get back into my hour-long workouts and incorporate strength training as well.

2). Journal my food choices.

3). Get over the scale.

4). Get in multiple servings of fruits and vegetables per day, and 64oz water

I'm excited about all that is to come!!

Summer has definitely arrived here in Almería. As of lately, temperatures have soared well into the upper 80s and more and more people have begun to flock to the beaches here along the coast. I’m definitely ready to have some time off to enjoy the summer season myself. After practically a year of working here at this company, I’m ready for a break.

My feelings about my job continue to sink. I’m not as wishy-washy about it as I was this time a month or two ago, wondering whether or not I should stick it out and just accept the bad with the not-so-bad. At this point I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that whenever the opportunity to move onto a better job presents itself I will be out the door- the key word of course in that sentence being when. To say that I’m bored with what I do is a huge understatement. I miss being able to come into work each day knowing what specific functions are mine to perform. Here everything is touch and go, constantly changing from one day to the next. The position for which I was hired this time last year has absolutely nothing to do with my actual job functions, and that feels really disappointing. I want to be using the skills that I’ve studied (and spent a crapload of money on) to perfect. Nevertheless, at this point I’ve got some pretty significant financial responsibilities hanging over my head that I have to meet on a monthly basis, and that of course keeps me from the frivolous job-switching mindset that I had when I was a teenager. Apart from all that, I’m thankful to even have work, considering that there are plenty of families struggling with unemployment and trying to make the same ends meet each month.

Friday update

Finally Friday, thank goodness. The transportation strike is still going on here, so it'll be another day without much to do in the office. The weather is oarticularly gorgeous today- perfect for laying out on the beach and relaxing :)

So I had my appointment with the gynecologist this morning, and it actually went pretty well, all things considered. My MIL went with me, and it was so comforting to have her there. If I had had to go alone I probably would have driven myself insane with how nervous I was--you'd think I'd never been to the gynecologist before. The doctor was an older gentleman- very professional and formal as well. The only thing I didn't like about the visit was the fact that we didn't really have a conversation about how I was feeling- the symptoms I had been experiencing, birth control, etc. Instead it was practically like an interview with short-answer questions. When I tried to expand a little bit on what I had been feeling he essentially cut me off, and I didn't like that. That attitude is very typical of doctors here, and that's one difference in health care that has been difficult for me to accept. I'm used to being able to dialogue with my health care provider, where she took the time to listen to my concerns and explain to me what was going on. Patients don't usually have that type of relationship with doctors here. It's all very cut and dry, with no questions asked. Sigh. In a perfect world we'd have universal healthcare and personable doctors and nurses who treat their patients on an eye-to-eye level instead of being condescending.

The actual exam went fine. The doctor found everything to be normal and said that if the pap results come back abnormal they'll contact me directly. Otherwise I'm to go back in September for a follow-up. I'll have to get another blood test done a couple weeks before the follow-up appointment, and knowing that my cholesterol status will come out on that report definitely gives me more than enough reason to step up my game diet-wise. I really want to see a low number this time around.

I'm really looking forward to this weekend! Tonight Chechu and I will be going out for tapas again with his mom. This is becoming our Friday night tradition, and it's proving to be a lot of fun as well. Tomorrow morning we have some errands to run, and later that afternoon we'll be having my brother in law and his wife over, which should definitely be a lot of fun too. I think we'll finally have the chance to try out the pool at our complex, so I'm looking forward to it. On Sunday we have church in the morning and later that afternoon two of our friends (who recently found out they're having a baby!) have invited us to a barbecue Argentinean-style :)

Can't wait for 8PM to finally get here!

Exercise woes

This has been quite an atypical work week. Since Monday there's been a transportation strike going on, and given that the bulk of our work depends on product distribution we've been twiddling our thumbs over the past few days. Well, so to speak. While the boss isn't in, my two coworkers have been periodically stepping out of the office to run personal errands or do other things. I however have been manning the fort, and taking advantage of this down time to catch up on my transcription work (my other part-time job). I've had quite a productive week thus far and I'm hoping the strike lasts through tomorrow so that I can finish up the week with a decent number of hours.

I really feel like I've come to a standstill with regard to my diet and exercise regime. It seems like the more I try to get passionate about making goals and getting back on plan, the further away from it all I stray. It's not like I've been going out of control as of late- on the contrary I've continued to make pretty decent choices food-wise, barring the occasional ice cream cone of course, but on the whole I feel okay about this aspect of my diet. Exercise, however, is another story all together. I just can't bring myself to do it. I can't get up earlier in the mornings to work out, and I'm either too tired or have other obligations in the evening after work to exercise then either. I'm bored with the workout videos that I've been using. All in all, I just don't know how to get back on track with this. I understand that exercise is a key element to weight loss, but in moments like these I feel like I have no idea where to begin. I have to break this mindset if I ever want to see any progress. How can I get the ball rolling again?

Tag!

I tag anyone who wants to play along!

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now?
Unfortunately I am car-less at this point- hopefully that will change within the next year. My sister and I left our Cavalier to our Mom before moving out to CA for graduate school in ‘05. The back seat of my husband’s truck is currently clear J

2. When was the last time you threw up?
A couple months ago. I had a pretty bad migrane that day.

3. What’s your favorite curse word?
I try to stay away from the bad words but what can I say, I’m human and the F-bomb does drop from time to time.

4. Name three people who made you smile today.
My husband
An email from my sister
My co-workers Christina and Maria

5. What were you doing at 8am this morning?
Making coffee

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Working

7. What will you be doing 3 hours from now?
Finishing up at Bible Study

8. Have you ever been to a strip club?
Nope.

9. What’s the last thing you said aloud?
“Vale” (O.K.)

10. What is the best ice cream flavor?
Toss up between Strawberry Cheesecake and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. Oh and anything with peanut butter.

11. What is the last thing you had to drink?
Water

12. What are you wearing right now?
Brown capris, red blose, brown ballerina shoes.

13. What was the last thing you ate?
A white chocolate/strawberry cheesecake ice cream bar (I know, I know..)

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
Nope

15. When was the last time you ran?
Phew, it’s been a while.

16. What’s the last sporting event you watched?
Gosh, I am so out of the sporting loop right now. Probably a playoff game last season

17. Who’s the last person you e-mailed?
My sister

18. Even go camping?
Nope.

19. Do you have a tan?
I have a natural tan :)

20. Do you drink your soda from a straw?
Not usually, no.

21. Are you someone’s best friend?
Yes!

22. What are you doing tomorrow?
Working

23. Where is your mom right now?
Working, most likely

24. Look to your left. What do you see?
A blank white wall

25. What color is your watch?
Gold, although I haven’t worn my watch regularly in a while.

26. What comes to mind when you think of Australia?
Koala bears and kangaroos

27. Would you consider plastic surgery?
Probably not.

28. What is your birthstone?
Ruby

29. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru?
I used to drive-thru, but in Spain (at least where I live) they aren’t that common, so we generally walk in. Not that I eat fast food anymore or anything..

30. How many kids do you want?
Maybe three or four.

31. Do you have a dog?
I’d love to have a dog right now

32. Last person you talked to on the phone.
My co-worker

33. Have you met anyone famous?
Shemar Moore

34. Any plans today?
Finish work, Bible study and hopefully exercise

35. Ever go to college?
Yes

36. Where are you right now?
At my desk at work

37. Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
At this very moment? That’d be the smoke billowing from my boss’s cigar

38. Last song listened to?
Martha Munizzi

39. Are you allergic to anything?
Dust, cats and some weird antibiotics

40. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
Love the ballerina shoes

41. Are you jealous of anyone?
No

42. Who is your favorite actor/actress?
Don’t really have one.

43. What time is it?
7:33 pm

44. Do any of your friends have children?
Yes

45. Do you eat healthy?
I sure try to.

46. What do you usually do during the day?
Work

47. How old will you be on your next birthday?
28

48. Have you ever been to Europe?
I live here! I haven’t travelled to any other country besides Spain though.. Shame, shame, shame :P

49. Name one thing you’d like to do.
Go to visit my sister in LA this summer with my husband

50. Favorite colour?
All things pink

It's June 9th already?

It's been a pretty relaxing Monday morning thus far, which I'm quite thankful for considering the jam-packed weekend we had. In reference to my general state last week, on the whole I feel 100% better on all levels, and that has made for a much happier, more-pleasant-to-be-around Marianna. I'm actually looking forward to my doctor's appointment this coming Friday just to bring some closure to all these issues I've been experiencing lately.

In spite of being busy, I had a really great weekend. I've got a ton of pictures to post!

Diet-wise, things have been slightly off-kilter as of late. Exercise has been non-existant for two weeks, and we haven't been following our diet plan as closely as we used to. However, I am happy to report that I have yet to fall back into my old binge habits. For me, this is a big change. Nevertheless, I need to get back in control here. I need to get back into exercise starting today, and I'm going to start journaling my food intake again.

Tying up loose ends..

In one of my favorite King of Queens episodes, Doug likens the weekend to a blank canvas, reasoning that you can paint it however you want. Even though I already know what I'll be getting into on Saturday and Sunday, the fact that I'm one half hour away from getting out of the office for two whole days to spend my time on my own terms just makes me smile. :)

I feel like a lot of things have come full circle this week:

1). After wracking my brain about the whole birth control issue, I've decided to take myself off the pill for good, in spite of the doctor's advice to continue. Since starting them last September, my mother has constantly expressed concern about the pills adversely affecting my health. Neither she nor my grandmother could use this method because of all the health risks the extra hormones posed to them. A month after starting the pill I had bloodwork done, showing no adverse effects. However, I consistently have had migrane headaches which I've just come to learn are a serious side effect brought on by the pill that can lead to a stroke. I told the doctor about the migranes when we went over my bloodwork last year, and she said that it was "no big deal." So, trusting her, I brushed it off. Granted, I haven't had a migrane headache in a while now, but after these cramping/nausea symptoms started last week, I really began to question my decision to use the pill. This morning, after reading about the migranes/headaches being a serious side effect, I definitively decided against using the pill. When I do go to the gynecologist next week, I'll be certain to discuss with him other natural options that Chechu and I can look into.

Both of us are 100% happy with this decision. I just wish that I would have informed myself more thoroughly when I first started considering birth control options last year.

2). My pregnant/not pregnant question mark has been quelled by the fact that I've just got my period. Granted, it was forced because I stopped taking the pill on Wednesday, but I feel better knowing that a) I don't have to plan for parenthood just yet and b) I can "start over" with a natural approach to family planning.

3). Amidst all the stress, I've managed to stay on the wagon this week. I weighed in this morning at 217.4, which shows no gain or loss from the last time I officially charted my weight. Fine by me. My plan is to get back on my exercise schedule next week and keep the progress going.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Thankfully things have really picked up at work this week, making each day fly by lickety-split. It feels good to have concrete functions to perform on a daily basis. Consequently, now that I don’t have to agonize over how slow the clock moves I’m a much happier worker.

I went to the doctor (GP) this morning about the whole birth control issue and, more importantly, to check out these two-week long stomach cramp/lower back ache/nausea symptoms that I’ve been having. I’ve lost some of my appetite due to the nausea, although it’s not debilitating and I haven’t actually thrown up yet nor have I had the urge to do so. The discomfort in my abdomen is primarily concentrated where my ovaries are, and the dull lower back pain is pretty constant too. These are all of the usual symptoms I get when I’m about to start my period, but I’m not due to start until next Sunday. I took a pregnancy test last weekend just to rule out that possibility and it came out negative.

The doctor advised me to continue using the birth control pills that I’m currently on, since these symptoms and the pills aren’t related. She also felt and poked around my stomach, which didn’t give me any more discomfort than what I already felt. So what was the diagnosis? A routine trip to the gynie, which is exactly what I was expecting. It’s also been over a year since my last visit, so I’m definitely due. The only thing that makes me a little nervous, however, is that the gynecologist is a man. Since Spain has a free healthcare system, I didn’t have a choice in picking who to go to- a downside considering that I’m used to choosing my health care provider. I ended up making the appointment for next Friday just to cover my bases, but I think I’ll speak with some of the women at my church who go to a private gynecologist to find out what they recommend. Either way, I’ll be going in next week to check this out.

In the mean time I’ll try not to fall into my Internet self-diagnosis habit.

The Friday Effect

Although I’m prepared for a pretty long day today, I’m definitely glad it’s Friday.

I’m finally coming out of the funk I’ve been in this week. I’m not sure if this is because I’m really over what’s been bothering me or if it’s just the Friday effect. Either way, I’m definitely going to see about myself because I can’t handle all these emotional ups and downs. Surely my doctor can give me some additional options that won’t wreak havoc on my moods.

***

So yeah, back to weight loss.

My update is about three days late and, needless to say, there isn’t much to mention. Thankfully I haven’t fallen back into over-eating, but I certainly haven’t been sticking to my plan. And exercise? HA! My workout schedule for this week that I posted on my sidebar might as well serve as another decoration because I haven’t worked out once so far.

But you know what? That’s okay. I’ve had a pretty rough week, and I’m not going to beat myself up over this. The important thing is picking myself up, dusting off and getting back on the wagon. And that starts today.

I’ve got a healthy lunch planned: fish fillets, brown rice, green salad and mixed veggies

However, tapas for dinner will be my challenge for the day. But I’m claiming victory. I am keeping my goals in mind and will stay within my limits.

As a side note, we ordered pizza last night for dinner. As we stood in the pizzeria waiting to pick it up, I noticed my reflection in the glass door of one of the refrigerators. To say that I was not happy with what I saw is a huge understatement. I’ve really let my appearance go over the years, and I’m so anxious to get that confidence back. This was definitely an additional push I needed to put me back on track.

Thanks..

... for the words of encouragement.

I'm glad to say that I feel much better today as compared to yesterday. My boss actually gave me the rest of the afternoon off after seeing how burned out I must've looked. I certainly wasn't expecting that, but it was sooo what I needed. A huge blessing. Talk about the Lord coming through right on time! I went home, took a two-hour nap and then my MIL visited with me for a while, which was also a welcomed surprise. We chatted for almost three hours and before she left we agreed to meet up this Friday again for tapas and then to get the whole family together for lunch at Abuela's (her mom) on Saturday. So, in addition to relaxing this weekend, I'm looking forward to getting together with everyone too.

I'm thinking that these mood swings I've been having are primarily due to the birth control pills I'm on. The strange thing is that these pills have a low concentration of estrogen which, in theory, should curb all the hormonal, mood-swingy issues. So I don't know. I've thought about changing the bc method, but then I figure that since I'll be injecting myself with hormones regardless of the method I choose, what's the point of changing it up? I'm good with taking my pills and some of the other methods out there are either too extreme for my taste or just not practical. Perhaps the mood swings are just a part of family planning that I'll have to grin and bear.

What do you guys think?

Um, help?

I feel like crap today. Why that’s been such a normal occurrence as of late is far beyond me. I am tired. I am irritable. My level of patience is -10. I have this weird sensation in my abdomen. Oh and the last place I want to be right now is exactly where I’m sitting- in an office around a group of people that I don’t like, in a job that I am grateful for but I’m growing to loathe.

What the hell is wrong with me? Am I depressed? Am I having a nervous breakdown? Am I pregnant?

All I do know is that I need a break. I want to be carelessly relaxing in my bed right now, with the windows open and the cool breeze coming in. I need, like, a week of this. In the meantime I guess I’ll be plucking away at my desk, monitoring these last four hours tick slowly by.

Wish I were barbecuing today.. on my own private island

I'm not entirely sure what is up with my mood today. I thought my afternoon break would give me a chance to unwind, but it was quite the contrary. Between running to the grocery store to do our shopping for the week, running back home, cooking lunch, cleaning up the kitchen afterward and scrambling out the door to be back to work on time I barely had the chance to catch my breath. Sigh. My irritability today can't be PMS because I just got over that. Maybe I'm just tired and slightly burned out. I think that's what it is. All I know is that I'm ready for 8PM to roll around so that I can go home and Turbo Jam my mood away. I think shortly thereafter I'll be calling it a night too.

Back to work

It’s 9:36 on this overcast Monday morning and I’m already looking forward to this coming weekend. For the first time during the entire month of May, Chechu and I will finally have a Saturday and Sunday to ourselves—we’ve already got some ideas going about what to do, and I’m sure the beach will be involved.

As for last week’s exercise challenge, I managed to work out during three of the five scheduled days. Not the perfect end to the week that I was hoping for, but not an entire flop either. This week, my exercise goals are as follows:

Monday- TJ cardio after work (8:30-9:30P)
Tuesday- TJ cardio after work (8:30-9:30P)
Wednesday- TJ cardio before work (7:00 – 8:00P)
Thursday- break
Friday- TJ cardio before work (7:00-8:00P)
Saturday- TJ cardio AM
Sunday- TJ cardio AM

So it’s all cardio this week, and I’m increasing my workout days to six. Yeah, it’s time to turn it up a notch over these next seven days.

This past weekend was good:

1). On Friday night after work I met up with my husband and MIL to go out for tapas. We had a great time, and I ended up having not one but three. Oh and afterward we went out for ice cream too. I think we’re going to meet up again this coming Friday, and knowing how I am I’ll save up my cheat points until then.

2). On Saturday I didn’t leave my house. And it felt good. I got up early and worked out extra hard for an hour. Then I cleaned the apartment and did laundry. I worked for an hour, made lunch and talked on the phone with my sister for the remainder of the afternoon. That evening some of the young adults from church came over to our house and we had a game night together, which was a lot of fun. There were some light snacks involved, but I behaved myself.

3). Sunday was a busy day. We got up early to help load and unload the sound equipment for church service that morning at the hotel. Afterward we came back home for lunch, rested for a little bit and then headed back out to Granada for evening service. Yesterday also marked the last Sunday that my two other American friends would be attending church since they’re both on their way back to the States this week. Both of them have been such a huge blessing to me in so many ways, and I’m definitely going to miss them. Nevertheless I know that God has amazing things in store for both of them, and I’m excited to see His plans unfold in their lives. Having to say goodbye still sucks though.
However, experiencing those feelings yesterday also made me glad that I’m no longer living the nomadic life of a student. Nearly ten years have passed since I started and finished both undergrad and graduate school (wow), and during most of that time I grew accustomed to the transient lifestyle that students almost always have to take on, moving back and forth every nine months or so. Tomorrow marks one year that I’ve been living in Spain, and I must say that it feels really good to finally be settled down.

I’m in kind of a weird mood this morning. I’ve got Gloria Estefan’s “It Cuts Both Ways” stuck in my head for some strange reason, and even though I can’t relate to this song at all, it’s not making me feel any more chipper. Gah. I need to tune into some praise and worship music to get out of this!

Happy Memorial Day!

TGIF

It’s Friday, thank goodness. This week has gone by smoothly, things are going well at work on all fronts and overall, I feel good.

My exercise challenge hasn’t been exactly perfect this week. I missed out on my workout yesterday because I didn’t get up in the morning to do it and I had no other spare time during the day to squeeze it in. We went to a birthday party last night and didn’t get home until after 1am. Seeing how late it was, I knew that a 7am wake-up call was going to be a stretch for this morning. I assumed correctly. Hopefully I’ll be able to get something in today, in spite of my equally crazy schedule.

Tonight after work we’ll be going out for tapas with Charo, and I’m looking forward to hanging out with her. Tapas is an interesting Spanish tradition where you go to any bar or pub, order a drink and you get a small plate of food of your choice to go with it for free. When my family came over for the wedding, everyone was super intrigued by this, my brother in particular. The portion sizes are quite small, so usually people order two or three tapas when they go out. In my case this evening I will stick to just one!

I’ll be happy with whatever exercise I can get in today, but at least tomorrow morning I’ll be able to make up for it.

It's Wednesday already?

It’s crazy how the pace of a week can change so drastically from one to the next. By this time last Wednesday I was dragging myself to work with 0 energy. I was expecting my period then too so that probably had a lot to do with the fatigue, but man. I’m still talking about how brutal those five days were.

As per my friend’s advice, this morning I started on a multi-vitamin supplement and I’m already feeling the difference. I have much more energy and, overall, I’ve got a much more positive attitude. Again, I’m comparing this difference to my hellish PMS week which doesn’t really count, but I have read where multivitamins do increase your energy levels and help to balance out your moods, in addition to filling all your daily vitamin/mineral needs. When my sister got on her nutrition kick a couple years ago she was all about buying her multivitamins and fish oil supplements. I lackadaisically popped a few from time to time but never really got into the whole thing because it seemed too die-hard “fitnessy” for me. Plus I was in grad school then, and since I struggled enough with remembering my own name at times, I wasn’t that interested in piling yet another task onto my mountainous to-do list. But now that I’m putting my health as a priority, it’s important to me to get in all the vitamins and minerals that may be lacking in my diet. It’s nice that one pill can do that for me.

In other news, I did complete day one of my exercise challenge last night. I was so not in the mood by the time I got home last night, but I sucked it up and did the entire Turbo Jam workout. About halfway through I got completely winded and had to hit the pause button. Normally when I get tired enough to stop a workout I stop all together, but this time I waited long enough to catch my breath and kept going. As usual, I ended up really enjoying the workout and had a fabulous shower afterwards. My bed kept me in its clutches this morning so I didn’t get up early to work out (shocker). I will however go home to exercise tonight after work and then head back out to Bible study.

I’m looking forward to this weekend. Hopefully the weather will be warm enough to swim- I’m anxious to try out the pool at our apartment complex!

Challenge results and observations

1). As per the scale this morning I’ve come down exactly one pound since last week, weighing in at 217.4. Between PMS last week and my period this week I am thrilled with the loss, because in other such instances the numbers have spiralled out of control in the other direction.

2). All things considered, my challenge went well this weekend. I didn’t restrict myself food-wise, and I think that worked to my advantage because I was conscious about everything I was allowing myself to eat. Specifically there was some snacking on Saturday, including pistachio pudding and a couple chocolate chip cookies, but I managed to keep control instead of going into my vacation free-for-all mindset. So I’m proud about that. On Sunday we celebrated another friend’s birthday and of course that included more chocolate and a decadent mocha/white chocolate birthday cake complete with rich, cream-flavored icing. Yes, I had a generous slice of that and no, not one ounce of guilt to go along with it.

3). My friend that I went to stay with is a professional volleyball player. She’s been in sports her entire life, and obviously knows tons about nutrition. We talked some about the struggles we’ve both had with weight and body image, and she shared with me some tips that have helped her along the way. I was also surprised to learn that there are some good health-food products that I can actually buy here in Spain (i.e. egg whites, tofu, soy products, etc.) I never thought to even look for them at the grocery stores where I shop because I was convinced they didn’t exist here. So I’m excited about some “new” dieting options that I now have.

I like the idea of making mini challenges for myself. They give me a more concentrated focus instead of just reinforcing a general goal to lose weight. Last weekend’s 3-day challenge was to keep me on my toes about not losing control on Saturday and Sunday. This week I’m upping my challenge to five days and my focus is exercise:

• Work out for 45 minutes (cardio) every day between now and Saturday
• Make the effort to wake up early in the mornings to exercise from 7-7:45 (except for today when I’ll have to exercise after work)
  Keep a running tab of the minutes I’ve worked out on my sidebar
  Diet focus: getting in more protein and less complex carbs, start taking vitamins
  
  Hope everyone is having a productive Tuesday!

3-day Challenge

I love the challenges that I've been seeing lately. It's great to see people commit to a goal and stick to it, in spite of the struggles and I-don't-feel-like-it days that undoubtedly come up in the process.

I'm going to be out of town for the rest of the weekend, so I'm giving myself a 3-day challenge of my own. I'm starting with 3 days because it's a short amount of time, and knowing how I tend to fall off the wagon I figure it's best to start out small.

Weekends are hard for me to stay on plan. Weekends away from home are ten times more challenging, just because I know that eating out will most likely be involved. So my challenge, in a nutshell, will mainly involve making healthy food choices, drinking TONS of water and trying to get some exercise in where I can. I've included this coming Monday in my challenge as well, just because it's the day before weigh-in and I want to keep myself going on the plan.

Looking forward to sharing the results!