Frustrated

I've struggled with my weight for practically my entire life- so much so that it subconsciously has become a part of who I am. Being on some sort of diet or, at the very least, being painfully aware of how much I eat and exercise every day has claimed a big part of my identity for a very long time. What initially started out as a plan to lose the baby fat at age 13 has extended through my twenties, often times leaving me feeling like the little mouse that runs full-speed on an exercise wheel but never gets anywhere.

Sigh.

I just need to stop thinking and start doing.

Choices

Life has been quite hectic as of late, namely due to an increased amount of duties at work. If I thought the work day went by fast before, it goes by at lightning speed now-- so much so that I seriously have no down time anymore during my entire day. I used set aside time during the morning or afternoon hours to blog and catch up on emails but that has been impossible lately, hence the 10-day lapse between entries.

Pardoning the cliché, I'm finally coming to realize that my life is going to be what I make of it. I could go on and on about how moody and downcast I've been this entire summer about my job and how it's not fair and blah blah blah, but none of that complaining has solved anything-- in fact, it's done nothing but hurl me deeper into a downward spiral of depression. Allowing this situation to affect me like this has had a significant impact on my personal life-- it follows me home every day and its negativity has seeped into my home because I foolishly chose not to shut it out from the beginning. I'm determined to change that as of this instant-- my husband certainly doesn't deserve to come home to a bitchy wife every other day.

So I'm taking it all back. I'm claiming joy and freedom over my life and the peace in knowing that God has got it all under control. I trust Him and I recognize that I'm where I am for a reason. That truth leads me to a fork in the road: I can choose to wait patiently on the Lord, enjoying every moment He's been gracious enough to grant me, finding my contentment in Him and being a channel through which his love and grace are made manifest OR I can kick and scream myself through this season of my life, making the conscious decision to be miserable and make everyone around me equally as miserable.

I choose the former.

Tuesday

Another great workout this morning.. Granted, it was even more of a challenge to convince myself to get up and stay up today, but thankfully I was able to beat the urge to sleep. In spite of the crazy morning at work today I felt really energized and in good spirits. I'm definitely going to have to keep up with this routine. Knowing that I've worked out and had fun doing it before I step out the door in the morning is a great motivator.

In light of all the recommitment going on I'm also going to get back to posting my weigh ins, updating my stats continually every Tuesday. Since last Monday the numbers on the scale have been coming down slowly but consistently which, in my case, is the key to success.

More and more it looks as though our trip to Murcia this weekend is becoming a reality and I am so excited about making it out there! I definitely need a break from my surroundings, albeit for just two days. I think I've finally gotten over my vacation bitterness and have accepted the reality that this summer is going to be filled with work. In all honesty, I can't complain at all about that, considering that almost every summer that I've been in school I've had to worry about money and not having enough to pay bills. So now that I have a "stable" job, in light of the current employment conditions here, I have to be thankful for what I do have. At the very least I'll be able to travel back to the States in December to spend Christmas with my family and enjoy a much needed dose of home.

Monday

The weekend came and went fast as usual. Thankfully I got over Friday's bad mood rather quickly, and by Saturday morning everything was back to normal.

This work week has actually started off well, contrary to what I had thought would be the case. As of last week we've got a new accountant working in the office who is going to be taking care of all the company billing-- the root of all the dysfunction that's been going on as of late- and I'm praying that her being here will change things for the better.

I fought the urge not to work out this morning and won. On Saturday I bought some new adorable running shoes and I broke them in this morning. It felt great to start my Monday off with exercise-- that's my plan between now and Thursday. Hopefully we'll be out of town this weekend visiting Chechu's aunt in Murcia, and in that case I'll be counting Friday as an off day. This coming weekend is actually a long one for us since Friday is a national holiday, so I'm definitely looking forward to the extra day off.

After prayer tonight I'll be heading home to wish my mama a very happy birthday and from there get our cooking done for the rest of the week while finishing up some chores. It's so nice not to have to worry about squeezing in a workout tonight!

Random thoughts at 12:25AM:

1). Stupid arguments with spouse suck, especially at the start of a much-anticipated weekend.

2). Biting your tongue so as not to exacerbate said argument equally sucks. Especially when you want to verbally let spouse have it for being an insensetive $%#TWFS@@#$@.

3). Pool is awesome. BUT being beaten TWICE at pool with spouse after said argument adds hot, flaming fuel to the consuming fire that is my mood right now. Yes, I am a sore loser.

The only positive in this situation? I didn't allow my irritation to propel me into emotional eating. In fact, I turned down several of spouse's invitations to go out for ice cream after playing pool.

I don't know. I'm frustrated myself for being so angry over something so stupid. For the most part I consider myself to be pretty patient and slow to anger. However, I'm also slow to get over my anger. I replay arguments in my head thinking of what I should have said in the moment when I could have and didn't. I guess that's bad, right? I don't know.. What I do know is that I can't let this argument affect my mood for the entire weekend. It's totally not worth it, especially since Monday will be here before I even realize it. Hopefully after getting some rest tonight I'll wake up over everything.

Work it out

I'm thrilled to post that I've finally broken through my exercise plateau!

Last night after work I finally dusted off my exercise dvds and got in a 45-minute workout. It was amazing to get through the video and I actually had fun doing it, rather than just wishing it was overwith already. I think that's one of the keys (at least for me) to finally start enjoying exercise. It's always seemed like a chore rather than quality time that I spend taking care of myself, and I know that in changing my mindset that will obviously help me to make exercise a part of my daily routine.

This morning I also started my day off with another workout, so I'm excited to have two sessions under my belt thus far. My goal is to get in 45 minutes of exercise every day for the next three weeks

Day Three

All things considered, day three of our renewed commitment to health and weight loss is progressing well. However my stomach is a bubbling mess today, presumably due to my increased vegetable intake, and that has left me making more trips to the bathroom than I would like. Hopefully everything will be back to normal by tomorrow though.

My biggest challenge thus far is getting excited about exercise again. It's been forever since I worked out last, and as of lately it's been easier for me to find excuses for not exercising than finding time to actually do it. I have everything I need to get a good exercise regime started- the only think I lack is the key element- motivation. Yesterday I had every intention on working out after my tutoring session, but my MIL and a friend of ours decided to drop by the house for an "I'm coming over anyway" visit (this was after I said over the phone that last night wouldn't be a good time to meet up), leaving me to totally interrupt my class and play hostess until after 11:30pm. Granted, we ended up having a good time together but I was definitely irritated that I had to stall my plans. So, needless to say, yesterday came and went without exercise either. Tonight our plan is to have dinner early after I get out of work and then head out to Bible study from there. I'm making it up in my mind to put forth the extra effort and work out tonight after we get back home. I have to get started with this, and I hate sounding like a broken record! Breaking through this barrier is exactly what I need to get the ball rolling again.

Be encouraged

I'm encouraging myself through the rest of this week as best I can. It's funny how some weeks just breeze by, leaving you wondering where the time went while others drag on to the last possible second.

I read over yesterday's post a few times last night after writing it. Then I read some posts I had written last year when my sister was in a similar employment situation and I was trying to encourage her, reminding her to just trust in the Lord and that everything would work out fine. In her case, after a summer of worrying and wondering how everything would turn out, she was offered a great job 100% related to her field, she got to move out to LA and, wouldn't you know it, she ended up meeting her soul mate out there, whom she'll be marrying in four short months. Her experience, among so many others that we both have shared, speaks volumes about God's faithfulness and His perfect timing. I know that God isn't oblivious to how I'm feeling right now about my job. In fact, He's quite aware of everything that I'm going through. If I trust Him (which I do), I choose to rest on His promises, knowing that He holds my life in His hands. My dream job is on the way, and it won't be forced or awkward. On the contrary, it will fall perfectly into place.

In other news, we just found out today that Chechu's uncle will be getting married next month! He and his girlfriend have been together for years now, and they've finally decided to make things official. I'm really excited for them! The date has been set for September 6 and Chechu and I are both thinking of it as an additional incentive to meet our short term goals for our new commitment to the diet. I already have the dress in mind that I want to use for the wedding, but I definitely will have to put some work in to fit into it. I refuse to go out and buy another dress when I could easily put in some work and get into the ones I already own.

Since we started out on our new plan yesterday I haven't had the chance to exercise. This evening I have an English tutoring session to teach, and after that I'm not sure whether or not there will be time to work out tonight either. I have to make time for it though. Forty five minutes isn't too much to ask, and I can put my other chores on hold for at least that long and take care of me. I have to change my mindset about exercise- like eating it has to become a part of my day. No excuses.

The rest of my rant

In all honesty, this Monday was unexpectedly difficult to get through. But, thank goodness, I've made it home and I'm relaxing on my couch, trying to sort through my thoughts. Towards the latter part of the afternoon I started to feel a little sick to my stomach and that, coupled with my eagerness to just get through the rest of the day and get home made me decide to skip our prayer meeting tonight and stick around here for the rest of the evening.

I feel so weird right now, and I hate that feeling. I feel restless and impatient for several main reasons:

1). My job. I've written so many posts about this that I've probably driven people away from reading this blog! But in all seriousness, it really has been a huge stress factor in my life:

• My job has nothing to do with what I've spent so many years studying. I'm a translator and interpreter. While I was originally hired for that very purpose, the fact that the real estate market has all but collapsed here in Spain and in the US market we were dealing with caused my boss to begin exploring other business opportunities. Prior to opening his real estate business he previously worked in logistics and importing/exporting food products, and as of March he's gone back into that. Initially I was to be in charge of the international division of the business, but that has all but been put on hold since he is more focused on building up his clientele here in Spain. I wasn't brought on board with that until May when crisis mode hit after he realized that Christina wasn't capable of carrying everything herself, despite my offers to help out.
• The obvious work environment which has been toxic as of late, as I've alluded to in just about every recent entry
• I hate my work schedule. 9am -2pm and then 4pm-8pm pretty much SUCKS. I have no time for anything else.

2). I sorely need a vacation. I am beyond burned out and I need time to myself and time to just regroup. It pains me to admit it, but I'm jealous of my husband and all the vacation time he's had this summer. He's got the entire summer off since he's a teacher, and since he doesn't have classes he's been working during the morning hours at his second job to bring in some extra income. Even at his second job they're giving him the last two weeks off in August for vacation. Can I have a break here please? Instead of the month vacation we're entitled to at my job, the benevolent boss is giving us all four days off. FOUR DAYS, that's it. I told him that I had to take off time in December to go to LA for my sister's wedding, and I refuse to go for less than two weeks. For that very reason I have no time off this summer. I can't believe I'm saying this, but winter can't get here fast enough for me.

The more things change...

The boss is on vacation this week and, true to form, now that the cat is away the mice may as well have rolled out the red carpet for the start of the Olympics. All the drama that went on last week with Christina has taken an unsurprising twist, considering that a day and a half after the boss got to the point of threatening to take her to court for breaching her employment contract he called and asked her to come back to work. Finding someone else more responsible and having to take the time to show him/her the ropes was just too much to ask I guess. So since last Wednesday she's been back and she still gets to take next week off for vacation. Seriously??

In my case the word "vacation" has me wishing that this entire summer would just get the hell overwith already. Everyone around me is getting time off left and right- and I'm still stuck here in this BS job with my BS schedule, surrounded by all these crazy people. And it's like 1000º outside to make matters worse. I seriously hate being tied down to all this. I didn't feel this burned out in grad school. Unfortunately, however, I can't grant myself the luxury of just quitting all together because I can't afford it. So until something better comes along I have no choice other than to grin and bear it.