Resolve

I've somehow managed to come to terms with the whole drama surrounding the dress. At some point between yesterday and today it finally sunk in that if it does in fact have to be altered, it's okay. The world will certainly not come to an end over this. All I know is that within the realm of normalcy I've certainly done my best to lose the most weight possible by eating healthier and exercising, and in doing so I've lost around 20 pounds since the start of the summer. So between that and God's miracle-working power I very well could get into the dress without needing any alterations. Regardless, I have to be thankful that Paqui has been there for me throughout this whole process, and has offered to help me if necessary.
I'm tired of the suspense though. I'm anxious for the nine-o'clock hour to roll around so that I can get this over with. At least by the end of the day I'll know where I stand concerning this issue.

This morning Avelino gave me the morning off to run errands with Chechu and Charo. We first went to pick up the wedding rings at the jeweler's and had them engraved. Afterwards Charo and I went to El Ejido to pick out my jewelry ensemble for the wedding. She bought me a gorgeous set of earrings and a necklace, worth over $500. I still can't believe she spent that much money on me, but nevertheless I am certainly grateful for her gift. The woman is truly a blessing.

Mañana más.. Tomorrow morning we're supposed to go to the apartment with Pepe TV to place the light fixtures and emergency lights in the apartment. Afterwards we're supposed to go and pick out our favors for the reception and then, if there's time, go to Carrefour to check out their deals on honeymoons. It's hard to believe that this coming Monday will be October 1st, marking just twenty days until the wedding.

Last night after coming back from church, Charo mentioned to me that she had spoken with Paqui, who had asked her about when we could schedule a fitting for the dress. Up until that moment I was starving after having last eaten a measley yogurt at around 6:30pm. But once the conversation topic turned to the dress, my heart wanted to drop into my stomach and, needless to say, whatever hunger I felt prior to that moment completely dissolved.

We ended up arranging the fateful fitting for this Friday evening, o sea, tomorrow.

After Chechu left for the night, it occurred to me to try the dress on again. And low and behold, to my complete horror, it still does not fit. Barring a genuine miracle from God between today and tomorrow, the dress is going to have to be altered and there's absolutely nothing that I can do about it. I believe in the power of prayer and miracles, and that's pretty much all that I have to go on at this point. Otherwise I'll be left to stand in shame yet again, with my tail between my legs, having to ask Paqui to fix something that I wasn't woman enough to fix on my own.

I don't know that I've ever felt this low and discouraged.

Nevertheless, you would think that such a minute detail like this would be the least of my worries. For as unfortunate as it is, there are plenty of women who look like real-life princesses on their wedding day- a perfect size 6, a dress to rival all dresses ever made, stunning hair and make-up.. Yet their marriages aren't solid and lack the most crucial element of all-- true love. In my case, in exactly twenty-three days I'll be marrying my soul mate, my best friend, the man who God himself created just for me. He loves and cares for me beyond words- his actions show it every minute.

In spite of the hellish nightmare that has surrounded this dress, I have to put things in perspective. The world will not cease to exist because of an alteration that had to be made. Thankfully there is a solution to this whole issue, for as much as I hate the fact that it has to be brought in.

!"·$RFFFC$%&&/&?=/ I=?IGG?·%^*¨*·%%

Just a quick note of desperation to remind me of where I was when I look back on this moment in the future. Yet again, God has to come through.

Miracles

The wedding on Saturday was amazing. I had an incredible time! Gema and Yeshid both looked stunning and the ceremony was absolutely beautiful. We ended up staying at the reception until after 1am, and from there Chechu, Charo and I left to go back to the house.

MY FAMILY IS COMING TO THE WEDDING!!!!!!! Riss and I talked for over two hours last night. She got a $2G increase on her credit card and with that she'll get the tickets for her and Mom to come here. That way, both of them will be able to pay the purchase off in no time since they're working. Leonard, Candace, Layla and Dad are also planning to come-- according to Leonard, Dad will be making his reservations through him. I am literally beyond words about all of this. God has come through yet again. I can now truly say that I am ecstatic about the wedding!!! 26 days and counting!!

I'm down to 206lbs as of this morning. 7 pounds shy of my goal of 199, but whatever. The most important thing is that I'm still losing. Knowing that my family will be coming to the wedding has given me even more motivation to continue with this weight loss. Riss and I have both renewed our drive to lose. This week I intend to work out both in the mornings and in the evenings, and continue to watch my calories. I'm sure that in doing that I should be down to 200 by the weekend. Ultimately I want to be 195 by the time I try my dress on again with Paqui at the beginning of next month. I would think that the dress should fit now, but when I try it on again I want to be beyond certain that it will fit like it should. No maybes, no mishaps- only a clean, smooth zip-up.

En paz me acostaré...

... y así mismo dormiré, porque sólo tú me haces vivir confiado...

I'm proclaiming that Psalm over my own life, in spite of the restless spells that come and go from time to time. This has been yet another emotional roller coaster of a week. Between the cholesterol scare, starting the birth control pills, Chechu's contract and your everyday mood swings, I feel pretty worn out emotionally.

At least the diet is going halfway decent. This whole week I've really been on my toes about watching what I eat and making sure that I exercise frequently. Surely at this rate everything will be fine by the time the wedding comes around. I'm not sure if I'll even worry about putting myself through the stress of trying the dress on with Paqui at the beginning of the month because, quite frankly, I don't want her to touch it. This battle is going to be won without a single thread on that dress being cut or altered.

This afternoon, rather than working out during my break I was so tired that I ended up taking a nap. Tonight there'll be a rehearsal at the church here in Aguadulce, and considering the hour that we'll get back to the house (surely close to midnight) it'll be a slight struggle to get my exercise in this evening. If I don't do it, it won't mark the end of the world but it would of course be ideal for me to suck it up and exercise for forty-five minutes.

Riss sent me the Fatfree Vegan Kitchen website that she practically swore by during our last year at Monterey, and I'm anxious to get started working on the recipes in my own kitchen. It's finally sunk in this week how crucial it is for me to get this area of my life together. I want to lead a full and healthy life, enjoying my husband, family and friends without having to worry about taking all kinds of heart, cholesterol and God-knows-what other types of medications by the time I'm 60.

Today marks one month before the wedding, and I think the nerves are starting to set in for both Chechu and me. He still has to go with his mom to pick out his suit, and we're supposed to be going to get our wedding rings by the beginning of next month at the latest. The honeymoon trip is still up in the air in terms of where we'll be going, but most likely it'll be someplace local, which is honestly fine by me. Considering that we have to put out additional expenses for travelling to Pittsburgh in December, there's definitely a limit on what we can do for the honeymoon. Wherever we go, I know that we'll have a great time. I'm definitely looking forward to spending a carefree week with Chechu and disconnecting from everyone and everything here.

All in all I think that once we're settled in our own place a lot of these stresses will be eliminated.

So much for the calm

I feel so stressed out right now. This whole month has been nothing but stress for me, coming from all fronts. I just want to relax and not have to worry about anything.

JOB. This morning Avelino told Chechu and me that we have to be extremely cautious about my working here. At any moment an inspector could come by to inquire about the legal status of the employees working in this office, and should it be discovered that I am working without a legal permit Avelino could be jailed. That in itself obviously makes me extremely uncomfortable because I certainly don't want anything like that to happen. Aside from that I feel completely illegal, like I have no reason to be here.

I'm also really tired of dealing with the other girls that work in this office. Lazy doesn't begin to describe the two of them, and it's annoying to say the least to have to be surrounded by their constant complaining- if they're here in the office at all to complain of course.

Sigh. Nonetheless, I'm thankful for what I have. All I can pray for is that God takes complete control of everything.

September afternoon

Just taking a moment to sit back and enjoy the cool breeze that's coming into the office from outside. It's yet another gorgeous day here in Almeria, which is definitely an aspect of life in southern Spain that I'll never grow tired of. As we're nearing the end of the month, you can now feel a slight chill in the air, especially in the mornings and at night, signalling the close of summer and the start of autumn.

It's amazing to see all of the parallels that God has placed in this world to show us about our own lives. Seasons change, bringing to life new colors and nuances to shade our world. Each one flows into the next, gradually causing us to alter our mindsets and activities-- calling us to change.

Determined

Over the past couple of days the reality has set in that I really have to take charge of my health. I've reached such a low point and it's definitely scared me straight. All of these years I've blown off all the advice and other warning signs that have come my way, allowing myself to reach my highest weight ever last year, and continuing to eat all of the bad stuff that I possibly could. Instead of joining Marissa in her plan to eat healthier, I totally ignored all of the information that she tried to share with me, convinced that I wasn't going to give up meat and other animal-based food products because, plain and simply, I didn't feel like it.

Well, well, well.. Now that my cholesterol is up to 302, I've become a prime candidate for a whole slew of health emergencies and problems, including heart attack and stroke. Quite a sobering reality, let me tell you. It's terribly unfortunate that for as young as I am, I now have to worry about maintaining a restricted diet in order to lower my cholesterol.

While I'm thankful that this was caught in time, I can't help but be frustrated with myself for being so careless with my health. The worst thing of all is to know that I did this to me, no one else. Nevertheless, I am determined to right this wrong and move on to lead a healthy life. Not just for me, but for Chechu and our future family as well.

Of course, as a byproduct of eating healthy and exercising, this excess weight will come off as well.

Need to vent

I HATE losing weight. I am so nervous right now, so much so that I can hardly stand it. I've honestly been doing the best that I can to see results and get this weight off before October comes around, and I honestly have seen little to no progress since Monday when I got on the scale. I've gone from 209.66lbs to 209.44lbs since then-- certainly not making my dress fit any better.

I COULD SO KICK MYSELF FOR BUYING THIS $#@)(%TQ{$PT@_@#$@_$ DRESS TOO SMALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THHHHHHIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I am so scared that my fitting is going to come around and Paqui is going to have to take the dress out. I am so scared about that because that't the last thing in the world that I want to happen. All it would point to is failure. Failure and stupidity of course on my part. This whole thing has been just looming over me all summer long, and I don't see it moving anywhere fast, regardless of what I do. I just wish there was some kind of a shot I could take to just remove all of this excess weight that I'm carrying around.

I feel so self-conscious about myself. I am such a huge pig. Everyone is buzzing about how I'm going to look on my wedding day, and I would never forgive myself if I just allowed the day to come and go looking the same way that I do. This is yet another miracle needed on my list. If God saw that the children of Israel's clothing accomodated them during the forty years they spent walking in the desert then I know that he is able to have this dress fit me like a princess on my wedding day. It can't be any other way, and I refuse to let someone else hack away at my dress for my own laziness and stupidity.

Let this entry serve as a reminder for the days and moments when I'm feeling too tired to work out or too willing to give into a temptation. It's not just about looks either-- my cholesterol is up to, no te lo pierdas, 302 POINTS. So much for the damn Mediterranean diet that's just so squeaky clean and healthy. Bullshit. No more meat for me, that's for sure. I can't believe that I've let my health reach such a low point.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, this shit is going to change, and FOR GOOD. I don't care how many times I have to say no to a plate of food, I don't care who gets offended. I'm 27 years old for goodness sake, and I need to take charge of my health. No one else is going to do it for me.

Diet woes

I was pretty excited earlier this week when I weighed myself at the pharmacy to learn that I'd come down seven pounds since the last time I got on the scale in August. This week I've been a lot more diligent about working out and watching my caloric intake, and I'm hoping that it will pay off in the end. I think that the most stressful aspect of this whole wedding has been my weight and whether or not my dress will fit me when I have to try it on again at the beginning of October.

After weighing myself on Monday, I set goals for myself between now and Gema's wedding and of course by October 1 when I have my fitting with Paqui. I set a pretty high goal for myself this week, to lose five pounds between now and the weekend, placing me at 204. That way, by Gema's wedding I can lose an additional five pounds, placing me at 199. The wedding is on the 22nd, and my fitting, ideally, would be the following week. For the fitting, I'd like to be at most 195 pounds. By then, FOR SURE, the dress will fit.

Between now and then, I really have no room for error. Losing weight is going to have to become my central focus. If it means losing sleep in order to make goal, then so be it.
Lately I've been doing well during the day, but my biggest battle is still at night when hunger sets in. If I have to wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom I almost always go to the kitchen. I'm really going to have to pray about that so I can stop it, because I feel like with that weakness I'm sabotaging all of my efforts.

I have to stay focused on this.

De milagro en milagro

I feel like I have such a long list of "miracles needed" from the Lord. I know that He'll make a way-- He has to. It's just that when you think about everything that is still hanging out there in limbo, it still makes you a little bit nervous, wondering how everything is going to turn out.

In addition to the financial woes that my mother has been under lately, specifically dealing with the trip to Spain in October, Chechu and I have also been under stress because his teaching contract has yet to arrive. Classes supposedly start next week, and he still has nothing to go on about when he'll begin. On top of all that, he's received at least four different job offers so far for web/graphic design, all of which are great opportunities. But for as wonderful as they may be, if it's not in God's plan then there's no point in pursuing them. I know that Chechu hasn't put in all of this time to study and prepare for this teaching degree just to go into something else. I know that God wants to use him in education, and that this forms part of his purpose. Rather than getting sidetracked, we have to stand strong and diligent in spite of the temptations that could arise. All we can do is continue to pray and believe. I know that God has the victory for both of us in this, and that it will be yet another testimony showing His faithfulness. As the saying goes, He may not come when you want Him, but He's always on time.

The house is another issue we're praying about as well. At this very moment Chechu is speaking with Ángeles about the apartment and the necessary paperwork that we'll have to submit to the Junta de Andalucía in order to take advantage of the current program that they're offering to promote home rentals among young adults. Apparently her husband has said that he was wary of giving paperwork to the junta regarding this apartment, but I know that God will move his heart. I know this apartment is for us and that we'll have it in Jesus' name.

Trying to see the big picture...

... instead of getting caught up in the minute details. Although it gets difficult from time to time.

It's been a trying day already, and it's only 11am. I'm here at the office, in the midst of a huge festival that's going on here in the neighborhood. There's marching bands, firecrackers going off, people everywhere and I can barely hear myself think. Even though it's Friday, I have a feeling that it's going to be a long day.

Yesterday I got bit by the wedding planner bug, and started to get really into organizing the different things that we'll need for our wedding- first here in Almeria and then in Pittsburgh in December. Even though I'm really excited about everything that is to come, there are days (like today) when I just wish that I could blink my eyes and have it be December 23rd. At the outset, I said that I wasn't going to allow myself to get nervous, but more and more I'm seeing that fly out the window.

I was going to go into all of the reasons why I feel stressed out right now, but that's not going to make me feel any better. I'll write more when I feel less anxious.

Update

Feeling less tired today as compared to yesterday, although I feel like I could use some more rest. Yesterday I felt completely overwhelmed- not just physically but mentally as well. I ended up going to bed early with a migrane, and thankfully this morning I woke up without any pain.

I suppose my anxiety started sinking in over the weekend after realizing that I wouldn't be able to use the gown that I had Marissa send me for M & C's wedding this Saturday. I thought the gown was a size 16 and it actually is a 14. With Chechu's help I was able to zip the gown up, but it is too small to wear for the wedding. In coming to that realization, it also dawned on me that I had less than a week to buy an outfit for the wedding. On Saturday morning after running other errands, Chechu and I went downtown to see if we could find any suitable outfits. Unfortunately we didn't come across anything.

That afternoon right before church I went with Charo to the Alcampo where the two of us ran around like crazy women trying to find an outfit for me in the twenty or so minutes that we had to spare. To make a long story short I ended up getting really stressed out seeing that we essentially had no time to look for anything. Miraculously I was able to find a really nice top, but I couldn't even enjoy buying it because I was constantly being rushed- a sensation that I absolutely loathe. Chechu and his mom (his mom especially) both tend to function like that, which I guess is just a part of their culture.

This afternoon Chechu and I went back to the mall to pick up the same shoes that I had been looking at since Saturday. Adorable shoes, but a size 10. Luckily since they have a strap I can adjust it so that the shoe doesn't fit me too loose. It was like the shoes have been mine all along, since I've been debating on buying them for several days and they were still there when I went this afternoon. So, long story short, my attire for the wedding is taken care of. Now the big thing of course, is that Chechu and I still have to practice for the song we're going to sing. I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it, but I have to remember that I'm doing this for Mari Ángeles because she asked me to. I know that God will have everything under control, and that I have nothing to fear.

The house rental still has to be formalized. Chechu is planning to go to the Junta tomorrow morning with Angeles to fill out the required paperwork. In addition to all that, the house still has to be furnished- to say that it's bare is an understatement. All I can do is pray that between now and the end of September it will be in move-in condition. I'm anxious to have my own space and, I'll admit, to be a little further removed from Almeria.

My wedding dress STILL DOESN'T FIT. On impulse I tried it on Sunday afternoon after church, and to my horrible dismay it still doesn't zip up fully in the back. I'm really stressed out about it, and I could just kick myself for buying the dress in a size too small. I will NEVER, EVER put myself through this again. Nonetheless, I am fully confident that as of October 1 I will be able to wear it. Paqui and I agreed to do a fitting by then, and I am proclaiming victory in Jesus' Name!! I've become more diligent in watching my caloric intake and exercising daily. This has to pay off in the end.