I have officially checked out for the afternoon- or at least for the next hour or so that I'll be here at work. It's kind of been one of those lonely/needy days where I don't want to be by myself. However, working in a very small office with only one other co-worker who happens to be out of town at the moment has made for a very quiet Friday. Too quiet, considering my mood. Sigh. Thank goodness for messenger in moments like these!

So I got on the scale again this morning and I'm still at 220. Considering the week I've had I suppose it could have been a lot worse, so I won't complain. I haven't been as diligent about portion control, and there have been a few chocolate and ice cream run-ins as well. The good thing about that is that I was able to stay in control of exactly how much I ate instead of mindlessly plowing into the bon-bons and neopolitan ice cream (not my personal favorite, but a close second nonetheless) like I would have done under other circumstances. I'm sure the chocolate fixes can be tied to hormones, as they've been flaring up this week.

Compared to my four consecutive workouts last week, this week in turn has been pretty bad in terms of exercise. Other than walking yesterday in San José and Níjar I haven't done anything. Not one blessed minute. Sigh.

Today hasn't been any different either. For breakfast I did have yogurt and my usual Danacol, and for lunch we had cashew roasted chicken, garlic and parsley tortellini, left over green beans and more kiwi salad. Pretty healthy, right? I managed to have just one serving of everything instead of filling up my plate a couple times like i usually do. All good there.. Here's where things go slightly awry... I ended up taking an afternoon nap with my husband and I woke up ravenously hungry as usual. Before leaving the house I grabbed two baggies of chocolate (2 reese's mini, 2 hershey's kisses in each), two bon-bons and a yogurt. One positive in a sea of negative, right? Sigh..

So I've fed my loneliness with chocolate and peanut butter this afternoon. I don't apologize for it, and quite honestly I don't feel bad about it. It is what it is- a day in the life of Marianna's weight loss journey that won't go down in the record books as "best day ever." Hell, this whole week wouldn't make that category. And you know what, it's okay. I realize that this is a process, which implies that there will be good days and bad days. Especially since I've just recently renewed my focus, it's going to take a little bit of time to adjust. Next week is a brand new week, and I'm all ready for it.

After work I'll be on my way to the bus station to meet Courtney. From there the three of us will be going to our favorite tapas bar for dinner, La Virgen Chica, and then head back home. I'll post more about the weekend as it progresses..

San Jose, Níjar

La pareja feliz...


The gorgeous husband...


"Oh no, SEAGULLS!!"

Really cute crafts we found at a local store in San José..






Local landscape...









We had a great time on our trip yesterday. After yet another delicious breakfast at La Brújula, we drove out to San José, a beach town located about half an hour outside of Almería. I had been there before a couple summers ago to go to the beach with Charo and some of the other girls from the church. Gorgeous beach with low tides. This time around since we're not quite in sun-bathing weather we walked through the town, taking pictures and stopping at some of the local shops along the way. It really is a beautiful, tranquil place to spend an afternoon. After our visit to SJ, we drove another 20 minutes north to Níjar, a town known for its jarrapas, which are specialty area rugs. We ended up buying one for our living room, along with a couple more wall hangings.

After a day's worth of walking we came back home, took our siesta and then Chechu headed back out for his class with David, followed by leading worship before the men's Bible study. I stayed home doing some additional cooking and cleaning and finally organizing our guest room.

This weekend Courtney will be coming to stay with us and we're both thrilled to have her. She gets in from Granada tonight and will head back on Sunday evening. It looks like tomorrow we'll head out to Cuevas de Almanzora to see the art exhibits and tomorrow night after church we'll probably go and hang out with the young adults, as is customary on Saturday nights.

Work this morning has been extremely uneventful, although I have been productive in getting some things done. Since yesterday was a holiday a lot of people are on "puente" today, which is very common here. If a holiday falls on a Thursday a lot of companies close that Friday as well, making for a long weekend. Cristina was given today off to go to Valladolid, and whenever she isn't here it's pretty quiet. I still have to make lunch for today, so I'm going to leave a little earlier than usual. I'll be back this afternoon, continuing on with documenting my weight loss plans.. 'Ta hora!

Sitting on the dock of the bay...

wasting tiiii-iiiii-iiime... Or at least that's what it feels like.

It annoys me to no end that I've been blogging consistently about weight loss throughout practically the entire month of February and I've seen little to no actual results.
Well, I take that back. While the numbers haven't moved down that much on the scale, I have seen improvements in other areas of this process- mainly my newly-found determination to lose weight and my efforts to incorporate proper eating and exercise into my daily routine. This time a month or so ago, weight loss was probably the last thing on my mind. I was seemingly content with the additional "happy weight" that I knew I had put on since the wedding (albeit an underestimation) and still drawn to indulge. I blogged a few times about how summer was approaching and that I needed to get my health in order, but it all felt like empty rhetoric since my heart wasn't really into the whole thing at the time. I suppose I wrote in the hopes of scrounging up some motivation to get started.

Well since then, praise the Lord, I've woken up to my three-fold reality:

1. At my current weight my body is over-exerting itself to keep me going and carry me around. I can no longer blame my lower back pain and sore knees on my not-so-perfect mattress. I snore at night because the extra fat around my neck is obviously impeding me from breathing properly. I am genetically prone to high cholesterol (which I have), diabetes and other heart conditions which, if I'm not careful, can easily become serious health problems. These sound like health issues that would normally be faced by senior citizens. I AM JUST TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS OLD!!! This leads me to the crystal clear truth that I have to make my health and my husband's health a priority. I don't even want to think about all of the problems that could arise if I continue to be careless.
2. I am not the sexy newlywed that I wanted to be. In spite of my husband's rebuttals, the rolls of fat hanging over my thong are just not attractive. Regardless of how much wonder is in my wonder bras, I (literally) can't get around all of the back fat that bulges out from the sides. There is some kind of weird love-handle that is right over my butt that gives it this weird shape. Certainly not the black-girl-butt that I've always wanted and would have in its absence. I won't continue on with my laundry list of flaws because, well, that would just be counter-productive. I've tried the self-abuse motivation tactic many times before, only to run to the nearest convenience store for yet another B&J fix. The truth of it all is that I do want to see myself as attractive. I want to wear all the sexy Victoria's Secret lingerie that I've never been able to buy. I want to go to the beach this summer in a bathing suit that complements my figure. I want to be able to walk out in public with my head held high, knowing that I look good. So that leads me to the third part of my reality
3. I need to learn to accept and love myself for who I am and where I am. God loves me now, and will continue to love me regardless of what I weigh. My body is His temple, and it, therefore, commands my respect. That translates into taking pride in my appearance and my health. So I'm going to go for it- I'm going to start to love me. MARIANNA VIRGINIA MOORE-MARTINEZ: I LOVE YOU! I RESPECT YOU AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU. I WILL TAKE PRIDE IN YOU AND HONOR YOU. AS A CHILD OF GOD, YOU DESERVE IT!

What an epiphany. For the first time, ever, I comprehend that God has entrusted my body to me. It's up to me to love it and take care of it. It's time to kick this into high-gear.

More tomorrow

It seems like everyone around me is ill-- Riss has acute bronchitis, and there are several hermanitos from the church that are sick too. I was starting to feel a little woosy myself this evening before leaving the office, certain that my boss had kindly passed along his nasty cooties to me since, ironically, he's been coming in now more regularly than ever, cold and all. I'm feeling slightly better now that I'm back home. Hopefully with some rest tonight I'll be able to shake off whatever this is.

Chechu and I just ordered pizza... Oops, there goes the A for effort for today. The only positive thing, diet wise, that has occurred today was my vegetarian lasagna that we had for lunch. A-MA-zing, if I do say so myself. Since Chechu took the laptop to work today my original plan was to work out this afternoon before going back to the office. And that just didn't happen. Seeing that we woke up late from our nap I figured that I'd spend the remainder of the afternoon straightening up and work out when I got back home in the evening. With the piping hot pizza sitting here, that's not going to happen either.

Sigh.. Tomorrow I'm getting this together, for real. TO BE CONTINUED...

Friday-Monday Review

It's so hard to believe that we're already in the last week of February. I guess that's logical seeing that this is the shortest month of the year, but it's still pretty cool to think that March will be here by the weekend. That means summer is inching closer and closer around the corner. YAY.

I've got killer cramps today and I'm feeling a little nauseous. In spite of that, however, I actually have more motivation to be here in the office- a stark contrast to my lackluster mood on Friday when all I wanted to do was go home. Hopefully I'll be able to maintain that motivation during the afternoon hours when staying on task can prove to be quite a challenge. However, I do have something to look forward to over the next few days, which should help to keep my mojo running. This is actually a short workweek for us since Thursday is a local holiday here, el Día de Andalucía, and all businesses will be closed to observe it. Chechu and I were going to take another stab at visiting Cuevas de Almanzora since we weren't able to go on Saturday, but I've just found out that the museums will be closed for the holiday. Crap. Oh well, I'm sure we'll come up with something else entertaining to do, even if it is just relaxing and watching movies, which doesn't sound all that bad.

So onto the weekend in review...

• Saturday. Chechu and I went to breakfast at our favorite café, La Brújula, and I had one of my prized tostadas con tomate with salt and garlic-scented olive oil. I honestly have no idea how we've missed out on that breakfast tradition in the States... Afterward we headed over to Almería- I went to my English class with Jennifer and Chechu had his regular tutoring session with David. Following our classes we went to Carrefour in search of a bookcase. Initially we planned to put it in our guest room, since that's become the deposit for all of our books and papers, but we decided to pit it in our livingroom instead. It looks amazing!! We look so intellectual with all of our books out on display. Little does Chechu know that I have a huge stack of my own books that I intend to bring back with me on our next trip to PA to add to the collection... After church service we went to Gastón's birthday party, which was a lot of fun. I ended up going against my original plan, eating pizza and a slice of birthday cake. Sigh..

• Sunday. We stayed in all morning to do some house cleaning and organizing. Thankfully the guest room is now more orderly, however the house cleaning part wasn't as complete as I would have liked. I suppose that'll be my treat for this week, as I do genuinely enjoy it.. We drove up to Granada with Sarai to be at church by 6pm. It was a really nice service with a great message. Bastian preached since Dani and Lili were both out of town. I really enjoy listening to him speak. We got home last night around midnight and we were both starving so we cut up the last bit of cured ham that we have left and made sandwiches. Sigh. At least I didn't have the chocolate that I was so close to grabbing.

I did get on the scale on Saturday, and I'm currently at 219.0 again. So this means that over the past couple weeks I've lost...NOTHING. Third and final sigh. I can be proud of a few things though, mainly that exercise is starting to become part of my normal routine. I didn't work out over the weekend, but I do intend on starting back up this evening after work. I realize that this is going to be one of the key elements to my weight loss and I really want to get into it. I worked out a surprising four days last week, and I intend to do that or better this week. By March I want to get up to five days, and eventually reach six days. I know that isn't an impossible goal. If I'm consistent with it, I will achieve it.

I'm on my way back home for lunch, but I'll be back at some point this afternoon. I really want to go over my goals and my PLAN to reach them.

Working for the weekend..

Soo glad today is Friday. This week hasn't been as stressful as others have been, but nonetheless I'll be glad to get out of the office for a couple of days. It turns out that we won't be able to go to Cuevas on Saturday like we had originally planned since Chechu has to lead worship at church that afternoon. But, since we'll be sticking around here we will be able to catch up on a few pending errands, specifically buying a bookcase for our guest room since it has become the temporary deposit for all our stuff. On Sunday morning we'll be able to relax a bit since Chechu doesn't have to be at church, although he does have to be in Granada that afternoon, and I may go with him depending on whether or not there is room for me. Otherwise I'll be spending a quiet afternoon at home catching up on some other work.

Yesterday's kiwi/mandarin salad was a huge success- so much so that I'm thinking about repeating the experience again with today's lunch. I also made beans with rice to go with the rest of the porkloin fillets we have left over. Lately I've become keen on watching my portion intake, which is a big key for me. After the wedding I started getting used to eating huge portions again, and it's been a hard habit to break. I've noticed however that even during this short amount of time that I've been on plan, I am a lot more conscious about what I put into my body and when to stop eating after getting that first "I'm full" feeling. This way I'm actually able to taste and enjoy food instead of mindlessly throwing it down the trap.

After three consecutive workouts I'm starting to become passionate about exercise again. The thought of only working out three times a week doesn't seem like enough anymore, so I'm running with that thought and going for my fourth workout today. I wasn't able to exercise this morning but I purposely left my laptop at home so that I can do Turbo Jam this afternoon before coming back to work. I'm actually excited about exercising today, which is something that I honestly can't believe. This just goes to prove the point I made in a previous post about how mental this whole process is. Being "on" is a decision that I have to make first in my mind and in my heart, and then everything else will just follow suit.

It's practically March and with each passing day I get more and more excited about summer. Almost everyone here in the office is on a pre-summer diet and exercise plan. My health is of course my main priority, but I also want to look my best. There's nothing like walking out of your house feeling fully confident in how you look, and I owe that to myself.

It's a beautiful morning

Although it never really gets that cold here, the spring-like temperatures we've been having lately have certainly brightened my mood, making me more and more anxious for those gloriously hot days of summer to finally arrive. I'm really excited about these next few months and I'm looking forward to see and experience everything that the Lord has in store for us.

In spite of a few hang-ups, the past couple days have gone really well diet-wise. After my TaeBo workout on Tuesday night, I was also motivated to get up on Wednesday morning and work out to Turbo Jam. It was actually a lot of fun. I also weighed myself yesterday after exercising, and I was pleased to see that I had come down to 219.8. I don't want to get obsessed with weighing myself everyday, and having the scale right there in the bathroom makes it difficult to bypass in the mornings. Nevertheless, I'll hold off until Saturday or Sunday morning to see where I stand. My initial goal was to be at 210 by the first week in March, and seeing how that is roughly nine pounds away, I may have to up my goal to 215 by the 1st, which is fine. I don't care if it takes me until the second or third week in March to get down to 210- the important thing is that I get there at some point in March.

Slowly but surely we're changing our eating habits. Since Chechu had the afternoon off yesterday he took care of doing our grocery shopping for the next couple weeks. I added Balsamic vinegar and some dried fruits and nuts to the list to incorporate in our meals this week. Being a meat-and-potatoes type of guy, he kind of wrinkled his cute little nose at first, hehe, but he's willing to try anything new. I plan to make a kiwi & mandarin orange salad for lunch this afternoon with a few cashews sprinked in with balsamic vinegar and a dash of olive oil.. MMMMM! I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that it will be well-received.

I've happily bought into the whole "siesta" tradition here in Spain. Before Chechu and I got married I wasn't that into it, but now that we're living on our own it has become one of the daily routine aspects that I really enjoy- mostly because it's an uninterrupted hour that I get to spend with my husband right in the middle of the day. I suppose that in a perfect world, we'd take that time to go for walks or do more productive things which, from time to time we have done in the past. I don't think it'd be difficult for me to fall out of the siesta habit, but Chechu's case is alltogether different seeing that he was born into the siesta culture.. Nevertheless, I think we could incorporate noon-time walks maybe once a week on one of the days where he doesn't work during the afternoons. Hey, I've just come up with a great idea!! I should bring it up at lunch over our kiwi/mandarin salad!

I plan to do Turbo Jam this afternoon after Chechu leaves for work, from 3:45-4:30. Taking time out for exercise means that I'll have to put off my household chores until tonight when I get home from the office, which won't be an issue for me as I enjoy cleaning the apartment in the evenings after work. Somehow it relaxes me. Strange, I know, but all I can do is pray that it lasts! We just bought this new pine-scented floor cleaner, and I'm anxious to try it out!

You take the good you take the bad..

Ah yes.. you take them both and there you have the facts of life..

Great show with an all-too-accurate theme. Life is full of ups and downs, victories big and small, joys, tears and those stand-still moments from time to time where everything else seems to be moving along except me. Throught it all, however, there is constant hope in trusting in God and knowing that He holds the key to it all. As it says in Jeremiah, His plans for us are good plans, that will prosper and grow us up. I know that my health is important to God, and I want to get this area of my life together not just for me, but to bring Him glory as well.

I struggled with the idea of working out or not during my walk back home. I stepped in the door, hungry as I-don't-know-what and grabbed the first thing that came to mind: the pack of Principe cookies I bought Sunday night after church and a small glass of skim milk. Yeah, something had to go right in that equation. Before it was all said and done I ate seven cookies. Pretty embarrassing to see that in print. After that I couldn't bear the thought of not exercising to at least cancel out some of the calories I had consumed. So I shocked myself yet again and did TaeBo-- all 50 minutes of it. I do feel proud of myself for being able to take control and say yes to exercise, but I don't want to get too comfortable with this small victory. After all, tomorrow is another day where I'll have to face these challenges all over again.

My goals for tomorrow are:

• Get up by 8am with Chechu to do some house cleaning and ironing
• WORK OUT with Turbo Jam from 8:30-9:15am
• HAVE BREAKFAST
• Control my portion sizes at lunch-time
• Bring a snack for dinner to have at work
• NO eating after 7:30pm

This one small victory has shown me that I am capable of making good decisions. This whole journey- the length of it rather, totally depends on me. I want to use this blog as an outlet to chart my progress, not watch myself go 'round and 'round in circles without getting anywhere.

Rain, rain go away...

I miss my husband this morning, and I'm excited that we'll be seeing each other at home for lunch in just about two hours. He really is an amazing man and I love just being around him. Days like today are perfect for hanging out at home, watching movies and cuddling up. But, alas, adult responsibilities call and here we both are at our respective jobs.
This weekend we've made plans to visit Cuevas de Almanzora, which I'm excited about. On the way up to Granada last Sunday we made a huge list of all the places we want to visit- here in Spain and other countries as well. I'm so glad that both of us are passionate about traveling!

I got on the scale this morning and was not happy with the reading. I'm back up to 221.2 lbs. I'm sure that's due to my not-so-great late night eating habits and my lack of exercise. I feel really disappointed about that, but there's no way I'm giving up. I realize that weight loss can be an uphill battle at times, but I know what I have to do and I'm convinced that little by little, I will get there.

My initial short-term goal is to get down to 210 by the first of March. At this point that's 11 pounds away in 10 days. That's quite a tall order, but even if it takes me until the second week of the month to achieve, I will. This is my plan:

1. I have to exercise in the mornings. I will get up with Chechu every morning to work out. He leaves by 8:30am, so I will exercise between 8:30-9:15am, working out with Turbo Jam or TaeBo.
2. I will make time for breakfast in the morning. We're into cereal for breakfast and dinner, so I will stick with that. The challenge, however, will be laying off the sugar with the cornflakes..
3. I will not eat after 7pm. This is extremely hard living in Spain. Dinnertime here is between 10-12am, which is certainly not a good idea for weight loss in my opinion. This is probably where I struggle the most (aside from exercise) because it's so tempting to come home from work and eat. My goal, however is to have a light snack be my last meal at around 7-7:30pm. Yogurt, granola, a sandwich of some sort..
4. I will log my daily food intake. Blogging somehow manages to keep me honest, so I'll be sticking with that.

I'm certain that between now and the first week in March I'll be able to reach this goal. And then it'll be onto the next...

Weekend review

I was glad to finally see last week come to a close. After so many emotional ups and downs, aside from being a bit under the weather I ended up feeling quite exhausted. Chechu is finally over being sick last week, and I'm feeling better as well.

On Saturday we slept practically the entire day. Since both of us were still not feeling 100% that morning we cancelled our morning classes and ended up staying in the bed until after 2 in the afternoon. How wonderful it is to be able to sleep in until you feel like getting up again. Instead of cooking we ordered take-out and had lunch watching Lady and the Tramp. Our initial afternoon plans were to go to an art exhibit and then for coffee and a movie, but we ended up taking a nap until after 6. We didn't make the art exhibit but we did manage to get to the movies to see "The Oxford Crimes." I thought it was well worth the trip, and definitely a movie I wouldn't mind seeing again.

In contrast to Saturday, yesterday was non-stop. We had to be in Almeria early to load the sound equipment and transport it to the hotel to be set up for the morning service. After church we went back home for lunch and then headed back out to go to Granada. I was anxious to go because I hadn't ever heard Pastor Guillermo speak before. During the service, however, several other English speakers and I ended up interpreting for a group of short-term missions workers from Denmark. Three hours of simul. After nearly a year of barely interpreting at all, I felt happy that I was at least able to last for so long. Whether or not it was all 100% coherent-- at least towards the end, is another story! Nevertheless, I was thrilled to have the opportunity to do it and I hope to have more regular opportunities to interpret.

As of this morning, I feel tired. I was barely able to drag myself out of the bed by 9:30, giving myself just twenty minutes to get ready to leave for work. Despite cleaning on Friday, the house is now in a state of utter disarray, and I have to make lunch after I leave from here since I didn't have the chance to cook beforehand. I would say that I won't take my afternoon nap today in order to catch up on some housework, but the way I feel right now, I could literally just fall in the bed.

In terms of the diet, things are continuing on. I weighed myself on Saturday and came down .4 pounds to a solid 219. My goal between now and the first of March is to get down to a solid 210. With regular exercise and watching my calorie intake I know that this is something I can achieve.

VDay, etc.

So Valentine's Day came and went with a rocky start and, thankfully, a pleasant finish. Unfortunately Chechu and I weren't able to carry out our original plans given that he's been sick practically all week. He finally went to the doctor's office yesterday, and on the way back he stopped by the office to bring me a Valentine's Day cake and a very sweet card. We ended up spending the rest of the afternoon in the office together with Cristina, and then we left to go back home at the usual time. After dinner we picked the perfect VD movie to watch-- Notting Hill. I had forgotten how much I love that movie. Hopefully the weather will cooperate tomorrow and we'll be able to get out and enjoy the day together.

As far as weight loss is concerned, I haven't been on the scale since Wednesday. I do plan to weigh in tomorrrow morning to see where I stand. Since Chechu has been sick I haven't stayed on track with exercise this week. I'll exercise tonight when I get back to the house, all the while thinking of my heavenly shower afterwards.

In spite of the lack of exercise I'd say that this first week has gone by considerably well. Last night I did get up at 4am to eat breakfast cookies and a few chunks of tortelini, but nothing in mass quantities like I usually do. My immediate goal for tonight is to stay away from the kitchen and take advantage of the fact that for once at this hour I'm not feeling famished.

Breakfast: coffee with 2 tsp sugar and skim milk
Lunch: 2 cups lentil soup, bread
Snack: strawberry yogurt cup, banana

I'd like to post my weight loss goals on here too just to get an idea of where I want to be..

Mis sentimientos a la Tenille

It's been a bit of a long day thus far and it's not over yet. This morning I was practically falling asleep at my desk, and despite an hour-long nap that I took at home after lunch I still feel pretty groggy.

I met with Rocío this afternoon for our weekly GOE meeting (Grupo de Oración y Evangelismo--prayer and evangelism group) and as in weeks past, the women who had agreed to come to the meeting cancelled at the last minute. It's crazy how the devil constantly tries to attack our thoughts and come against us with all kinds of arguments. I was asked to participate in this GOE (our church leads several) at the end of January and I really want to see it blossom. I recognize that I also have to put forth a serious effort on my end as well. There are several young women whom I've met since I've been here that I've been neglecting to call and I really need to get back on track with that. I really want God to use me here and I don't want to waste anyone's time or worst of all just go through the motions. There are so many people out there who need to hear the Good News and know that there is hope for their future in Jesus Christ. I need to get my prayer life and Bible reading back in order. Rocío is obviously doing her part in this, and if the two of us are going to be working together then I totally need to do the same.

I'm back to feeling somewhat disillusioned with this job. I recognize that there's no perfect one out there, but on days like these when I've got absolutely nothing to do but twiddle my thumbs and wait for work to come through, I get a little frustrated. Granted, I'm thankful that I don't have work and deadlines hanging all over me like some stressed out professionals do, but on the other I feel like I'm just sitting on all the training that I've received. Nevertheless, I trust in God. I know that when it's His time for me to move onto something else then I will. For as frustrated as I get at times with this job, I am for the most part content. It's hard to believe I've been here for nearly eight months..
The great thing is that during these down moments I can take advantage of my transcription work that has been unexpectedly added this month. With my pay raise I hope to be able to earn an additional $1k to stow away in the kitty for when my student loan payments start up this summer.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and I'm looking forward to spending it with Chechu. It'll be our first VD together-ever, so it should be pretty fun. I'd like to get up early to make breakfast and then we'll be going to lunch at this great Italian place not too far from where I work. After work we'll be spending the rest of the evening at home and probably watch a movie.

An evening of good decisions

Yesterday evening I was sitting here at work feeling the same desire to raid my kitchen as I talked about on Monday. In chatting with my sister however she encouraged me to go home and work out before doing anything else, and to my dumbfounded surprise that's exactly what I did. Since I haven't done turbo jam or any form of exercise for that matter in, oh, four months, my goal was to do 30 minutes of the workout, which I was able to complete. I felt really proud of myself for being able to break through the exercise barrier and finally start over again.

After a relaxing shower (I had forgotten how great showering feels after working out) I decided to make Friday's lunch--tortelini with meat sauce. Since we're going out tomorrow for Valentine's Day and spending the afternoon together I wanted to make sure that I had everything prepared for Friday so as not to have to cut out time spent with my husband.
When he got home last night we stuck to our plan of cereal and fruit for dinner.

I didn't rest that well last night- I woke up at least three or four times and of course with the same urge to run to the kitchen and grab something to eat like I usually do. This time however I managed to just stay in the bed and not give in once.

I was very pleased to see the scale reading this morning of 219.4 pounds..

Notes from a recovering binge eater

Somehow I think that I'll be filling up this blog with a lot of entries this month. I guess if writing my way through this process is what I have to do in order to finally sort out this area of my life then so be it. After all, writing has always been a therapeutic outlet for me ever since I was little.

I've got about an hour or so left here at work and I'm already starting to think about food. It's during moments like these when I feel like I'm the only person in the entire world who goes through this. Food is constantly on my mind and that is embarrassing to admit. Ever since I started gaining weight as a child I've always turned to food for comfort. I remember how my sister and I would run up my grandmother's tab at the local convenience store buying pop tarts and cookies after school and then sneak it all upstairs to our room and eat until we couldn't move. That pattern of "bad" days continued off and on throughout high school, reaching a peak in college with our new-found freedom and independence. Since we roomed together, we no longer had to hide our binging from anyone. I remember our "f-up days" lasting for entire weekends at a time, from morning till night eating whatever we wanted and always in mass quantities. Our junior year we lived right around the corner from Rite-Aid and Dave & Andy's, a situation which caused us both to put on at least an additional 30 pounds before that school year was over. Things calmed down in grad school, but the binge eating never completely ceased-- the episodes were just fewer and farther between.

The strange thing about binge eating for me is that the actual eating isn't what produces the most satisfaction. It is, rather, the anticipation, the planning, the thoughts of where to go and what to order that are most pleasurable. Actually eating the food is anti-climactic, because all of the happiness and excitement that thinking about food produces just doesn't make up for the end result. In fact, it all spirals out of control at that point. What started off as an exciting, "happy" trip to indulge turns into feelings of depression and self-loathing in the end.
It's a hurricane of emotions that leaves you physically and mentally spent.

In light of all this I wonder then, why do I allow these thoughts and urges to continually creep back into my mind?

Day One

For my first weigh in my initial intent was to take a picture of the scale reading and post it here, but the batteries for my camera were not cooperating this morning. Needless to say however, my "starting weight" isn't anything that I haven't seen before, so I think that I'll just take pictures of the milestones instead. So, without further ado, I'm 221.0 pounds as of this morning, marking a two-pound weight loss since yesterday. I certainly expected to see the same or even a little bit more after yesterday's Strawberry Cheesecake episode, so I can say that I'm pleasantly surprised.

For breakfast this morning I ended up just having a bottle of Danacol. I forgot to bring a mid-morning snack with me to work, so I've been filling up on water instead. I'm on my fourth glass. In spite of my initial doubts I can honestly see how drinking water takes away hunger. Where I would usually be famished by this hour, I don't feel hungry at all.

Our menu for today is as follows:

Lunch: Baked Chicken breast fillets
Curry rice with peas, onions and green pepper
Creamed spinach
Fruit and yogurt for dessert

(Creamed spinach you ask? Don't worry, it's low-fat. I found a béchamel recipe online that I'll be using with fat-free milk instead of the cooking cream it calls for.)

Knowing that I get hungry here in the office at around 7pm, I plan to bring some raw vegetables with me this evening, and my plan is to have that be my last meal of the day. Given that Chechu will get home late tonight, I think I will push for fruit or cereal for us both.

My exercise goals for the week mainly consist in working out three days-- today (Monday), Thursday and either Friday or Saturday. I want to keep that up for the next two weeks and then increase by one day, following the same pattern. For right now I'll be sticking with an hour of turbo jam or taebo during the week, and then walking/jogging on the weekends with Chechu.

In terms of diet and exercise I've always had an "all or nothing" philosophy. If I couldn't follow my super restricted diet down to the letter, or exercise consistently seven days a week I felt like a failure and, consequently sought solace in a late-night binge or a pint of B & J's. So after running into that insanity brick wall about a million times, I've finally come to the realization that just as weight loss is a process, getting back on track is too. In my case I haven't lifted a finger to exercise in nearly four months. Obviously my body has gotten used to being totally sedentary, and in light of that reality, going from no exercise to an all out exercise war-on-fat would be as counterproductive as it always has been. So I've opted for the gradual route.

I want to set goals for myself that not only are attainable, but also controllable. It'd be easy (and fun, I'll admit) to sit here and map out a weekly goal weight chart for myself between now and summertime, but in doing so I'd be setting myself up for failure. Granted, marking weight loss goals is a good thing, but the key is not to get obsessed. Knowing that I tend to gravitate toward the latter, I choose to focus on goals that I can control such as getting up early in the mornings and exercising for one hour three times a week or drinking 64oz. of water every day. I can't control how fast the numbers go down on the scale, but I can determine the healthy lifestyle changes that I implement.

So, in summary, I've come to learn that this whole process is about gradual change and being realistic. That method is what brings about long-term success and not just a quick 15lb loss that will result in a 30-pound gain.

223 lbs...

I gave into my weekend-long craving this evening after coming back home from our women's meeting. While I recognize that consuming an entire pint of B&J's ice cream is not in my best interest for weight loss, I don't feel that bad about it. In fact, it was everything I hoped for in fulfilling a craving. What I do feel bad about, however, is that I hid the remnants in the trash with no plans to tell Chechu about it. Since we share everything though, I'm sure it'll be one of our discussion points tonight before bed anyway...

This weekend has been kind of weird. Without rehashing too many details, on Friday evening at work there were some unforturnate things that happened involving two men who came bursting in the office looking for Avelino because he apparently owed them money. I had the misfortune of being in the office by myself at the time and things got pretty out of hand. Thankfully nothing serious happened, but it was quite unnerving nonetheless. On Saturday Chechu and I were irritated on and off all day, and today everything came pretty much full-circle... Enough to need a vacation from the weekend, I'll say.

On Saturday we went to Dorothy Perkins and I got a new suit and several blouses and sweaters. I definitely needed the clothes though because my wardrobe has grown quite bare. I've always maintained the mindset that I don't want to spend too much money on a "fat" wardrobe because I wouldn't be needing it for that long. I've come to realize, however, that I need to learn to be happy with how I look where I am and take pride in my appearance regardless of what I weigh. I certainly don't intend to use these clothes forever, but I do want to care about how I look.

For a reality check we also bought a scale on Saturday. I put on more weight than I thought I did-- all 23 pounds since the wedding. As of this morning I weighed 223, quite an embarrassment after putting in so much hard work to fit into my dress. So after that brush with reality for us both, Chechu and I went to Angelo's in El Ejido for what will be the last time in a long while, as we'll be trading in our burgers and fries for steamed vegetables and poached meat. I'll be dedicating these next entries to this weight loss journey to document it all.

Not so bad of an evening yesterday...

Won't be looking like this in summer '08!!


I ended up staying on the straight and narrow last night after work and left my prized Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream from B & J in Pepo's freezer where it belongs. Strangely enough, as I was walking by the store I didn't even feel that strong of an urge to go in. On the way home I thought of how differently my evening would have turned out had I bought the ice cream-- I would have sat on my couch to watch tv, ate and sulked afterward until Chechu got home. Then I would have transmitted my guilt and consequential bad mood onto him, which would have resulted in a less-than-pleasant evening for all. Thankfully on the contrary when I got home I put myself to work getting some housework chores done and making lunch for this afternoon. What a difference one mere decision can make in a person's day.

While we did manage to just eat cereal last night for dinner, we both confessed that we'd eaten earlier in the afternoon before getting home, or in my case as I was doing things around the house. But, progress is progress I guess, no matter how minimal.

Slowly but surely I feel my motivation coming back. This morning Avelino invited Cristina and me to coffee and he was telling us about his weight loss plan in preparation for summer-- exercising regularly, eating once a day, and only having fruit and vegetables for breakfast and dinner. He sounded totally determined about it and I know that he'll be able to achieve it. See how mental this whole process is? From now on I'm going to speak more definitively about my goals and plans in terms of weight loss-- no more of this "I'd like to lose X pounds before summer," or "I think I can achieve X if I put my mind to it" talk. I AM going to lose 75 pounds between now and summer's end, and whether or not it's the last possible day to go to the beach, I'll be wearing a bikini. More importantly, my cholesterol IS going to be below 200 when I go back to the doctor's in May.

Oh yeah, man. I'm starting to get fired up about this. As my sister so accurately pointed out, I'm kicking 30 in the ass. I refuse to have to look back on my 20's and regret not having taken control of this weight issue sooner. Chechu and I have to get this under control, and now. We're talking about trying for a baby next year (can't believe I'm writing those words), and I need to be in excellent health and shape before thinking about getting pregnant. So, the time is now.

I will be devising a plan today for Chechu and me to follow and I'll be posting it as well.

Virtual before and after pics

BEFORE
Me currently at my guesstimated weight of 215 pounds

AFTER

Me at 145 pounds... ahh, a glimpse of victory!!

I came prepared for boredom this afternoon, I tell ya. Roughly an hour has gone by since my last posting, and I've already moved on to the breakfast muffin that I stuffed in my purse on my way out the door. I've got one baggie of chocolates left (2 mini Reese's cups and 2 chocolate kisses) and I'll hopefully be able to keep myself away from it until my last hour here at the office-- a mere hour and fifteen minutes away.

Since I've officially checked out for the afternoon from work, I've been busying myself reading weight loss blogs and success stories, my typical outlet when trying to muster up some motivation. It's funny how that really is the key element to losing weight, proving that the battle is almost entirely mental. In my case, I know exactly what it is that I need to do in order to get this weight off. Especially considering my cholesterol level, I know the foods that I need to avoid and those which I should be stocking up on. I know that exercise has to become a daily part of my life. There's no easy way around it, and there's no substitute.

During my last hour here (quickly approaching, thank God!) I want to devise a workout plan that Chechu and I can stick with- one that won't involve too much change in our schedules, as both of us have them pretty full at this point. I'm positing some "virtual model" pics of myself that I made using http://www.mvm.com/- very cool site, and now I have at least something to aspire to in terms of what my new body will look like at 145-150 pounds. Very exciting! Check out that definition in those legs!!

Need an early weekend..

I am so not in the mood to be here right now. It's just barely 5:30pm here, and that means three and a half more hours of nothing to do until nine o'clock. While a break from the fast-paced work schedule I've had over the past couple of weeks should be a welcomed change, the fact that I don't have much to do, nor am I in the mood to do anything else makes me all the more aware of what's really been bothering me lately-- the fact that I am overweight and I haven't done a damn thing about it.

Sure it's easy to complain and constantly say that things need to change. It's equally as easy to imagine myself as the thin, gorgeous gal I was always meant to be. But all of that just buckles under the weight of the hypocritical reality that I currently live. I'm sitting here in my office muching on hershey's kisses and Reese's peanut butter cups as I write this, all the while thinking of running past Pepo's tonight after work to buy a pint of Ben & Jerrys. I'd have just enough time to down it all before Chechu gets home and he would never know.. Is that insane or what? Have I reverted back to binging and hiding away all the evidence like I used to do? I feel like this whole thing is spiraling out of control.

I just want to be happy and healthy. I'm tired of all of this back and forth stuff- I need consistency in my life. I need to make the decision once and for all that my health and well being is more important that chocolate. It's really time to get this together.

Big Changes...

Over this past week it's really hit me how urgently I need to lose weight and Chechu has also been getting the same signs and regañinas from our church family as well. While I've been told that I've maintained my weight since the wedding (perhaps due to less confianza), I know that I've gained at least a good 10 pounds since I stopped with the pre-wedding diet craze in October. I recognize that my current situation could be alot worse in terms of weight gain (during my freshman year of college for example I put on twenty-five pounds during the first semester, going from 160 to about 185) but regardless of how "good" only gaining 10 pounds in four months is, it's certainly not the lifestyle that I want to continue to lead.

When I had bloodwork done in September, I was horrified to learn that my cholesterol had gotten up to 302. After a month of diet and exercise it was down to 258, and at this point I have no idea where I stand. I'm going on 28 years old and I can no longer take my health so lightly. God has been so patient with me over these years, and I know that I have it in me to get this weight off and live healthy- not just for me but for my family as well.

I haven't weighed myself since the wedding, but I'm guessing that I'm around 215 at this point. This Saturday Chechu and I are supposed to be going to Dorothy Perkins, the European version of Lane Bryant, to pick out some new clothes for me. I felt embarrassed when that was the first store that he suggested we visit. I am SOO tired of looking like this- so tired of hiding behind my frumpy figure. I know that my husband loves me and is attracted to me, but I need that confidence for myself. I don't want to spend another summer dreading to go to the beach in my ugly electric blue bathing suit. It's the only one I have because it's impossible to find any decent, flattering one-piece bathing suits here. I want to feel confident in myself and not worry about whether or not something makes me look fat.

I have to go back to the doctor's in May to have my cholesterol taken again, which gives me three months to get it under control.

February already

It's hard to believe that January has come and gone, and we're already approaching the second week in February! Last Thursday we celebrated Chechu's 29th birthday, which was a lot of fun. We enjoyed breakfast together before work, a lunch favorite and birthday cake and a surprise party at the end of the day. While I'm sure that he knew we had all planned a party for him, he was still surprised all the same and had a great time with everyone. Amazingly enough this was the first time that we've been able to celebrate his birthday together, so the whole experience was doubly special for me as well.

I have a feeling that this month is going to fly by even faster than January, with all of the activities we have going on. Work has actually picked up-- way up over the past several weeks, and there may be an impending trip to NYC with Avelino as of next week. Initially he asked me if I would be able to accompany him and, obviously not being able to say no, I agreed. However, for as certain as Alberto is about being in New York next week, things are very much up in the air here in terms of making plans for a trip. I'd like to take that as a sign of my not having to travel, but I don't want to get my hopes up too high. Ultimately however, I do want to see that this operation goes through- not just for monetary reasons but also to be able to see what was once a fledgling idea at the outset finally come into being. Lately I've been contemplating the idea of looking for another job once this operation goes through, but I don't feel entirely at peace with that right now. I am comfortable where I am and the money is good. I have a great boss who is very flexible, and since I'm so close to the house I easily able to take care of my home-worker responsibilites. So, until God opens the door elsewhere, I think I'll be here for a while.